Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A Bit of Catch Up

School starts in 8 days. EIGHT. DAYS. And I'm excited. (Which you expected.) But I'm sad. (Which stuns you.) And it makes me wonder why I didn't go back to work sooner.

The shiny newness and excitement of work has dulled a bit but I still like it most days. The 2 days I spent last week without a single thing to do have been replaced with more than I have time for. Ah, the way this world works always catches me off guard until I think about it and wonder how I could possibly still be surprised.

In other news...
The children are well. Alex did not break his toe. Tyler's migraines are under control. All four children's teeth are clean and x-rayed. And plans for Tyler's birthday party are under way.

No one has killed anyone and they have been playing nicely together. I think it may mean the end of the world is near.

My life, it is exciting.

It is also time to start the planning and preparing for my other job. And, I. AM. NOT. READY. This working thing is really a lot of, well, work.

So now I start the intricate scheduling of the activities. The activities of four active children. Four children that do things like Hebrew school and gymnastics and cub scouts. And now I have a regular job. And the planning for the "other job". And let us not forget the volunteering in the children's classrooms. Yes, I thought I'd get out of it but it seems they will MAKE IT WORK so I can come in to at least my youngest's class to help out. yay.

And also it seems the boys' team at the gym is much larger than in the past. So now, instead of pretty much showing up whenever there is a class scheduled we needed to not only register for class (as in the past) but register ON TIME. This also means the classes we wanted are full. FULL. And I'm really not sure the other classes will work in our schedules. Let's say it together... this causes me S.T.R.E.S.S.

One last thing...
I'm pretty much against the whole concept of Mommy guilt. Nursing vs formula, co-sleeping vs in the crib in another room wars. I don't buy into the whole I need to meet their every single need. Or I yelled at them and now they are scarred. I really try to be a good mom and I think overall I am. Most days. People make mistakes and children learn lessons. (side note: I just spent a very long time looking for my bad Mommy award posts and CAN NOT FIND THEM. So, please imagine me doing dumb things like forgetting to pick my kids up from rollerskating and forgetting to send in special items for school, etc.)

I will say that every now and then I become convinced that I'm forever damaging my children by some behavior or other that they will take to be normal and then will act that way as adults.

For example, we tend to be hard on our oldest. He is responsible and trustworthy and eleven. Sometimes we have been known to yell at him for doing stupid shit. Normal kid stuff. Then he turns around and does the same to his brothers and I cringe. He is so hard on them.

It also shows when he accuses us of being harder on him then the others (we are). I am the oldest and I know part of that is just being the oldest. I also know that I need to back off. And I do try. But some times at night while I'm lying in bed I become convinced that it may be too late. I may have irrevocably damaged him and it is all my fault. He will forever have self-esteem issues. AND IT IS ALL MY FAULT. And I CAN'T FIX IT. I'm TOO LATE.


And my heart hurts. And I cry. And I feel that sensation of wearing my heart on the outside of my skin and all those cliches of how it feels to be a mother. And I never want to leave them again.

I'm not ready for school to start.


Lonna said...

I blame everything on my mom and I expect that my children will do the same. I am OK with that :-)

School started this week here... and I am VERY OK with that!

Lyvvie said...

I don't think you've ruined him. I think you've prepared him for the real world - where he'll be in charge, and in power. Just teach him to be a good boss and not a bad boss.

J said...

Didn't you read that part of the Mommy Code? The part wherein we shall question everything we do and worry that we will ruin them for life. I do it all day long and she's only 7 months old.

Candace said...

I often feel the same way about my firstborn. I just figure that he was the "test kid" and that's the way the cookie crumbles. He knows he's loved and that's all that matters.

Beth Fish said...

I'm the oldest and my parents were definitely harder on me and I turned out ok - so will he.