Monday, December 12, 2005

Sucky Holiday Spirit

I'm trying really hard to get into the spirit of things. Really, I am. But for some reason it's not happening.

I made my lists. I'm listening to the music. I got out the decorations. I've done most of my shopping. I even started to decorate.

But the spirit? Not to be found.

I really wish it would come out of hiding. I don't think I've listened to this much Christmas music in my whole life combined. I'm cramming the music down my own throat to force the feelings and it's just not working.

I either want to cry or forget the whole thing. I'm not sure why. At least if I knew why it might be more bearable. I don't feel like I need the antidepressants any more. I really don't think it's that. I just want to find the spirit.

I want it to be fun and magical for the kids. I'm trying to fake my way through but I'm wishing I didn't have to. I suppose I should just suck it up and be grown up about it. Who cares if I'm not in the spirit. As long as I fake it well. I need to stop analyzing my feelings and just do what needs to be done. Crying be damned.

I will admit a big part of the problem is financial. You'd think it wouldn't bother me as we have the same problem every year. Every year I have to put aside what I'd like to get for people and find something less expensive. And then hope we can still pay our bills. Which this year - not so much.

Financial ruin is near and Chrismukkah really has nothing to do with it.

All I want for Christmas is financial solvency or a really good plan to get there.

Or just some holiday spirit. You know, whatever you got.

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