I have realized I am not one of those people who move through life gracefully.
In the physical sense, I am clumsy. I bang into things, I trip, I slip, slide and fall. A lot. So, NOT graceful.
In the way I comport myself, I am far from graceful. I get angry, I yell, I do not hide my tiredness or illness from my family or friends or even acquaintances. I am cranky and in your face. Again, so NOT graceful.
This is not to say I don't strive to lead a life of grace. I'm just not very good at it. I worry because if I became really ill, not sinus infection or cold type ill but SERIOUSLY ill, I would not be one of those woman you hear that handled it with grace. You know the ones. "She kept her kids lives the same. She didn't want them to suffer because of her illness. She didn't hide it but made it okay." No, that is not me. I want it to be me. I don't want to scar my children if I become ill. But I'm afraid I would.
Do you like how I discuss this like it is some possibility far off in the future that might never happen? Are you saying to yourself, right this very minute, why worry about something that may never happen? Well, you are right. It might not. Or it may. I've been feeling very much less than okay for about two months now. I have a follow up appointment today to try to figure out what the hell is wrong. I have put off googling what has been in the back of my head for so long because really, why would I pick that illness out of the millions out there? But someone called me on it. Asked if I had looked it up on the internet. It broke my subconscious resolve. NEVER GOOGLE MAJOR ILLNESSES YOU THINK YOU MAY HAVE in hopes it will prove you wrong. It rarely does. And in this case, only confirmed what I feared.
Now the select people I've discussed this fearful finding with have of course told me it is all nonsense. I am wrong. It will be nothing. What else could they say really? And yes, I hope they are right. I hope to get on this blog tomorrow or Monday and say "I WAS SO VERY WRONG." That would be lovely. But sometimes your gut knows things and I'm really afraid this is one of those times. And if not, I will totally eat crow and enjoy it.