Friday, November 18, 2005

Excepts from The Parenting Handbook

Section 1
Job Description

Rule 5 – You’re the Boss

You get to tell your children what to do. It is your right. It does not matter if they yell, “You can’t tell me what to do!” You can.

You can tell them to do chores, eat what you put in front of them, shower, go to bed, stop screaming at their brothers and when all that fails you can tell them to go to their room and not come out until you say so. Just because, "I SAID SO!"*

*The nuances of the 'I said so' rule will be discussed later in the handbook.

Rule 18 – Ruining Their Lives

It is your job to impose terrible, life-ruining restrictions on them. Bedtimes, curfews, and a lack of electronic games are perfect ways to do this. Do not be afraid. They will not die. If they scream, “You’re ruining my life!” you know you are headed on the right path.

Rule 29 – Responsible Neglect

It is your job to make them into responsible adults. One way to do this is to refuse to bring forgotten items to school. Just tell them you must watch TV and eat chocolate and you can not possibly take their forgotten flute* to school. They will have to stay for detention the following day to make up the class. This has the added bonus of them staying at school longer and will teach them to be responsible for their own things. Remember to brace yourself for the crashing of the phone into its cradle.

*The flute is just an example. This rule applies to all musical instruments, homework and gym clothes. It does NOT apply to anything that will keep them away from home longer. (ie. money for an all day field trip)

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