Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Time, the Great Crusher of Dreams

I'm in that place again. I'm hoping it's just for today. Or maybe a couple of days. It's a bit dark in here.

I've been thinking about what kind of person I am. You know, glass 1/2 full, 1/2 empty, sees life as fun, as adventure, as a drag, a whiney, bitchy, nag. Anyone know what I'm saying?

I know I use to be a glass 1/2 full, life is full of adventure, let's make it fun because if we don't it won't be FUN! And an ADVENTURE! And that is just too dull for words.

Now? Now I'm more of a 'things could be worse', 'I have a really great life... Really!', 'I have no reason to complain', I'm just lazy and unmotivated and pathetic. Fun takes too much energy. Adventure takes even more energy. Dull should be my word.

But I have kids! And they are fun! And they create adventure! And we are past diapers and sleepless nights and functioning out of sheer biology.

Somewhere I lost something. I'm not sure where or when.

Was it when my dreams died? Was it spending so many years sleep deprived?

My therapist told me I'm a minimizer. I'm not a drama queen. But I've learned things can always get, or be, worse. It's best not to tempt fate. We must realize that things are good. Or they might be taken away.

Why do they teach us we can have it all? Why do they teach us work hard and you will succeed? Or happily ever after?

Why do I feel time has run out for my dreams?

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