Let's just say that this morning I was done. I was sick of the "try to look at the bright side"-ness of it all. I guess you could say I'm an optimist. I always try to appreciate what I have when everything turns to shit. I always try to see how good will come out of the bad. I always do that good thing/bad thing thing. But not this morning. This morning I was pissed. I was pissed and unhappy. This whole job hunting thing got to me. I was hitting rock bottom.
I've been doing a full on search for a job for 4 months. FOUR. MONTHS. Not looking for jobs that require degrees. I have a degree but it's a BFA which means shit in this world. So no jobs that need a specific degree. I've applied for jobs that require a high school diploma and a bit of experience. Jobs that require the ability to answer phones and use a computer and send a fax. Jobs that will train and jobs that are almost all part time. I'm talking jobs I am actually qualified for. And let me mention... I'm not a good liar. I didn't lie on my resume. DID. NOT. LIE.
So I spent 2 months with no responses. None. Not one. Then I got 4 calls in 2 days. The tides had turned. I usually interview well. People can see I'm not full of shit when I say I can do something.
Let's just say that it is now a month later and I still have NO. JOB. Why? I'm fairly intelligent. I'm well spoken. I don't believe I had any snot hanging out of my nose during the interviews. I showered. I kept it together, was confident and did not babble. I HELD. MY. TONGUE. I have a blog. You must realize I have a tendency to talk.
Today I had yet another interview. This was with 2 more people from the hospital. Now, just so you all know, I've worked in a hospital before. I enjoyed it. I did it well. I breezed through my first 2 interviews and was left with the impression they wanted to hire me. Then... nothing. Then they notified me that the hours had changed. Was I still interested? Yes! I need a job people. And even though the hours weren't as great as the first set they were still doable. Then nothing.
Then a week later I got another call. They switched the hours again. To hours I simply can't do. 2:30-6pm M-F. Hours that mean I will miss everything with the kids. Hours that mean I will not being earning what I need to earn to keep us afloat. AND I will still be home during the day, alone, going insane from boredom. I. CAN. NOT. STAY. HOME. ALL. DAY. ANY MORE. I NEED A JOB! So I said no. Then I cried. Then I called back and said, "Yes, I'll keep the final 2 interviews."
Because I need a job. And maybe someday I could get my hours changed.
This brings us to today. It brings us to me once again trying to look at the positive and how I could make this all work which brings us to the tears at the thought of leaving my babies. Which reminds me that I have PMS and have been crying at the drop of a hat for days which makes me worry I will cry in the middle of the interview if things don't go well. Then I get a bit pissed. And I decide I'm tired of trying to focus on the good. Things are shitty and I should be able to say - things are shitty. So yes, things here are shitty.
And then I get the desperate sweat thing going. So now I am sweating. I am running late - LATE. For a job interview. Then a v-e-r-y s-l-o-w o-l-d p-e-r-s-o-n is in front of me and I AM LATE. Lovely. More sweat.
I'm thinking I have actually hit the bottom of the desperation scale. And yet, I have that slight fear that it could get even worse. And we know I'm afraid of angering any of the Gods - as in the - You thought things were bad before-Gods, HA! I shall show you-Gods. So, trying to tread carefully in my anger and self-pity.
Well, I arrive. Sweaty. Late. And yes, the HR person notices I am late. So I'm off to a great fucking start. And then? I babble. And sweat. But it seems to be going well other than the occasional mental "SHUT. UP. SHUT. UP. SHUT. UP!" Why can I not just shut up or talk more slowly. **Frame of reference: I grew up in New England and I can speak at approximately the speed of light. Many people can not understand me when I'm going full tilt. Which I was at many points during the interviews.**
The good news (see, here I go again): I think it went well other than my obvious desperation. The guy who has final say seems to want to hire me. And possibly in a different position with better (re: perfect) hours.
The bad news: Nothing is decided and I may have a heart attack before it is. Also, nothing is decided and they could decide to hire someone else and then I shall be screwed.
More good news (can. not. stop. myself.): I've begun applying for yet more jobs. So there's that.
The bad news: I'm strung as tight as a wire and very nearly vibrating with... well, with something. I'm not quite sure what. Whatever it is, it has me wound so tight I may snap at any moment.
The last bit of good news (please send help): I don't feel like crying anymore.