I have forgotten how to do this

This does not even look the same as the last time I logged in. I mean, I guess it makes sense, it's been over three years, things change - especially on the web. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, THREE YEARS. Am old af.

So it is no secret I work in higher ed. And what I actually came here to say today has everything to do with that. Well, that and Covid. 

It seems for the first time, in my experience, large numbers of students are homesick already. I was discussing this with a colleague and she was saying how in a group meeting multiple students expressed being homesick and how that had never happened before. And it made me wonder if the fact that the students have spent the last 18 months at home and not pulling away - going out with friends, driving their parents crazy as they try to "grow up", etc - and instead being stuck together day in and day out has made this happen.

This is purely speculation and there is no data to back up my claims. I wonder what experiences others have had. Do you have a student going off to college? Do you work with college students? What do you think?

My own children drove me insane with the, "You can't tell me what to do, I am an adult." type rhetoric the summer before they left for college. It was to the point that I hoped they would leave before I murdered them. 

Well, that is all for today. This is a weird and wild ride writing here. 

I have a feeling no one will see this because who would even realize I'd written here? But eh, it was what I was feeling I needed to do so I did it.

Now at a website near you...

Want to see me somewhere else?

Yes, I wrote something for Alpha Mom. You should totally go read it. It is a subject I am quite an expert at. In fact, if you are an expert on a subject you should totally submit your idea to them. They'll let you know if they already have one in the que on your topic. In fact, as of this minute it is the featured article on their homepage. Go, then let me know what you think.

In the (lack of) News

I've got nothing.

I've tried and tried today but... nothing. I've also done nothing today.

Okay, okay, not nothing but not as much as I should be getting done. I've done everything but the one big project that is just drudgery.

Also? People are dumb.

And annoying.

And no, I'm not in a bad mood.

Someone in my life seems to have been in a bad mood for the last... oh, I don't know... eleventy-million months. I'm not naming any names here but... it is a real downer. The worst part is I'm not allowed to ask about it or the person ends up in an even worse mood. There is no winning here.

Mind. can. not. focus.

This is another reason large project of drudgery is not getting done. Requires focus. Wait! Do I see something shiny?

Quick, look over there!

Now to figure out how to complete pre-Bar Mitzvah child's Torah project TONIGHT as it is due TOMORROW at some crazy hour like 9am. This whole weekend's schedule is insane. Speaking of which, must remember to print out calendar pages for weekend or will forget one or ten items on the schedule. Why did we have so many children and why must they be so involved?

In positive news, I updated to WordPress 2.7. I like it. It is good. That is all.

This may be the worst blog post ever.

Is This What They Call A Blog?

Wow! Look what I just found here. A blog. My blog. Gee, I'd kind of forgotten I had one. Whoops.

I actually had a dream last night that I blogged for the first time in a millennium. I'm guessing that's what spurred this post. And now you're wondering what this post is actually about. Ha! As if there is any topic beyond "LOOK, I'm back! Maybe. If I don't forget all about this place again."

In other news, I'm sure you've all realized... school has started again. YAY school! The children are busy for many hours a day. They are no longer left to their own devices with periodic check in's from responsible adults. They are however, still trying to kill each other most days. Also, the youngest has apparently aged enough to no longer be kept safe from the oldest's wrath. Or maybe he's just more annoying. Most likely both. The older 2 are at school from 7am - 5:30pm (when I can now pick them up). Soccer is wearing them out - oh how I love soccer. And for the first time pretty much ever, I'm paying for regular child care three days a week. And it is so worth it.

I've also received a promotion. Better hours! (7:30-4) More to do! Doesn't make me want to jab a pen in my eye rather than work! (Those who follow me on twitter may remember that lovely day.) It's in the same office as before. I did not have to apply or interview because they just offered it (and a small raise) up on a platter. YAY! And I am repaying them by blogging while at work. I ROCK!

In other updating type news... the husband was the most awsomest ever during meeting about child with "issues". Said son is now in therapy, getting extra help at school and has a teacher who is all about helping kids succeed. There may be medication in another month or two but for now we're trying other things. I can't tell you the relief and joy this gives me. Thank you Universe!

Personally, I ditched my therapist again but am still taking the Zoloft. Feeling good and keeping it together - most of the time - except when having to get a small child out the door by 6:40am and he refuses to MOVE. And also complains if I leave him for his dad to take to sitter's. CAN NOT WIN. Also, pre-bedtime is rough. I'm tired and the kids are tired and they don't want to have me check their homework or get ready for bed. Still, things are going well. Until I get home tonight and it all falls apart because I just jinxed myself with the parenting Gods.

*Note to Parenting Gods: Please be gentle. I'm so sorry I dared to mention what I mentioned. You still rule the Parenting Universe.

Now I must really get back to work.

Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

About once a week my mother sends me an e-mail telling me some tidbit about how my youngest cried that morning after I dropped him off. Either he was up to late and was tired or, like today, he wanted to have breakfast with me but didn’t. In just about every case it is because he did not do what he needed to for the task to be accomplished. Of course he never tells her that part. In every instance it is somehow my fault. For example, last night he said he wanted to get up and have breakfast with me this morning. I woke him up at the designated time, he refused to rise, when he finally did emerge from his bed he cried because I was done eating and had even showered. My husband and I tried to wake him approximately 8,724 times.

But the absolute best part of these missives my mother sends me is how she ends each one. “Your children miss you.”

Why thank you for that mom. It is a lovely way to start my day. Crying at my keyboard in the office is a fabulous way to greet students and coworkers.

I have told her how I miss them since going back to work full-time in January. I’ve told her how I’ve been spending MORE time with them. I’ve told her about the things I’ve tried to do to make the time together better (like breakfast with them).

She always assures me she’s not criticizing. She tells me I can’t quit my job, the children will adapt, etc, etc. So why, WHY must she lay on the guilt?

Random Thought Tuesday

(AKA Bullets Are My Friends)

• The reason for all the tiredness and exhaustion? My iron level which should reside at a minimum of 50 is at an all time low of 5. The doctor asked if I’d been feeling a little fuzzy in the brain. Ah, yeah. Well, that is why. When I stated that must be why I’ve been so freaking tired he said he was surprised I was still standing. All the other tests? Normal.


• My camera. My love. My huge investment that we could not afford and I was so guilt ridden about that it took me months to really USE the damn thing? GONE. I used it Saturday and now it is GONE. I swear I remember putting it in the car on our way home from a festival. It was between the seats of the van with my purse on top of it. We went to my s-i-l’s and then home. It was not there when we got home. My s-i-l searched her house and so did her husband even though I SWEAR I didn’t bring it in. I called the campus safety people and the library at the location of the festival in the pathetic hope that I remember incorrectly AND I left said camera on a park bench. This particular fantasy includes the finder of the Nikon D80 with 18-200 VR lens to actually turn it in and not keep it for themselves. So far, no such luck. This also means I have to file a police report.


• Did you know to file a police report for a stolen item you must be in the county of the theft and call 911? I did not. I thought 911 was for absolute, my house is on fire, emergencies. I was wrong. I do not live in the same county as my sil. I do however work in the same county as her. This means I must either find time in my Spring sport calendar (NONE. NONE I tell you) to go to her house and call OR I must have the police report to my JOB. It seems you must call 911 then they come to you and you file the report. I do not want the local sheriff’s at my place of business. I also do not want to wait much longer to file the report.


• I really keep hoping my brain is not working well and someone finds the damn camera. We just finished paying it off.


• I don’t think this particular fantasy is going to come true.


• I miss my camera.


• Stress + low iron = need nap now (or from now on: nnn)


• My 1^st performance review for my new job is this afternoon. And I’m blogging. I’m a bit worried.


• I hate 1^st reviews. You never know how they’re going to go.


• nnn

Fear Factor

I sent in a request to be part of an intensive 3 week class this summer to learn sign language. And I’m terrified.

I’ve been trying to figure out why this terrifies me so because really, this doesn’t seem like something that should strike fear in my heart. It’s something I want to do. (hence the application) But it makes my heart race to think I might get into the class.

So why did I apply? I want to learn. The place I work has a high number of deaf students and I’d like to be able to communicate with them without paper and pencil. I think it shows a bit of respect to learn this to help serve them. And I plain old think it would be cool to learn.

Now my fear tells me I have been getting by without learning and no one would bat an eye if I didn’t learn. It also keeps whispering in my ear that it will be very embarrassing if I can’t learn. I don’t have the best memory. I haven’t been a student in forever. I DO NOT MEMORIZE WELL. My entire office will know I’m taking the class and will expect me to come back full of knowledge and the ability to sign to actual deaf people and understand the same deaf people’s signing. What if I can’t?

Working at a university has many positive aspects. Free classes for one sounds like a beautiful benefit unless you don’t do well. Then EVERYONE will know you are an idiot.

In the end I bit the bullet, gave my boss the application to sign (it’s during work hours), and sent it in. I don’t have one of those bucket lists or 40 by 40 lists because I can never think of anything I really want to do. This morning on my way to work I realized that learning sign language is something I would like to do before 40. I’ve always wanted to learn, and really, it’s not out of my reach. But it is very scary.

In The My News

Regarding the angst and crying: I'm thinking it may be PMS.

Regarding work: I have decided to go forward and power through the busy work, do as much as I'm allowed to do to get this place ready for going paperless and hope they will finally listen to me and take the paperless plunge. And check the job listings here every day.

Regarding the children: I am making more of an effort to keep on top of the school papers and schedules. Also, trying to focus more on them and stop what I'm doing when they talk to me. Mornings still suck.

Regarding the body: Ignoring it.

Regarding the husband: No idea. He's out of town but will be back tonight. Suppose I'll just keep going on and see what happens.

Regarding my house: It is taking a beating. All the extra effort with the kids has reduced the already limited time I have to clean with it. It is scaring me. I may make an effort to clean a bathroom before bed tonight. Or I may collapse into bed with a glass of wine. Anyone want to make a bet on what I'll end up doing?

Question for the Internet

It is slow here at work today. The college kids are off this week and it is s.i.l.e.n.t. around here. Very strange.

In other news, it is warm. As in almost 60 degrees warm. It is suppose to go below freezing again tomorrow but for right now it is luscious. Yes, luscious. Warm and springy and just the most wonderful weather I've experienced in months and months and months. I'm definitely looking forward to Spring. However, I do need to find my sunglasses. I'm not exactly sure how long they have been missing as the sun has been in hiding for weeks but I do know they along with my favorite pair of gloves and a bunch of those cloth bags the stores are all selling instead of plastic are missing. I'm guessing they all jumped into one of the bags and went into hiding. Or on a field trip to someplace sunny. Hmmmm.

One last thing, I know I've scared away all my meager readers with long absences. So maybe, if anyone does still read here, you could post this question to your readers and leave a link for me here in comments so I can check out the replies.

Question:
I've only been at my job for 2 months. And I know that it is in bad form to want to apply for another position within the organization. But, it's a position that is perfect for me. Less hours but full time (35 hrs/wk), more money, and it's doing what I did at my last job which I LOVED but was only part time. Right now I file things. Ok, I do other things that I enjoy but 60% of my time is spent filing. I DESPISE filing. The position I have now is not challenging at all. I took the job thinking I could do it for a year or more until something better came along. I did not expect MY job to come along and certainly not this soon. I wouldn't have even known about it except the organization sends out new job postings every couple weeks and it was listed. To be truthful, I didn't even think a position like this existed here. In fact, the research I've done makes it look like the position was just created.

So, I am still trying to find out if there is a minimum waiting period for switching jobs here. No one is answering my calls (break week). But what say the grand internets? YAY or just forget about it already - Bad Form.

Full-time

So yes, I'm now working full time. Outside of my home. For a paycheck. For the first time in over 13 years.

In many ways it is much easier than anything else I have done in the last 13 years. So much pressure is off because, hello, I have to work. The thing I'm having the hardest time with, two things actually, but not because they are related, and I'm just going to keep sticking in phrases in-between commas until this is the longest sentence ever, so it all boils down to... you guessed it, time.

There are a few things here and there that I WANT to do. Like take the kids to the doctors and parent-teacher conferences and stay home with them when they are sick occasionally and do things for other people that I just can't seem to find time to do now. In which I mean I can't do these things in a timely manner.

This bothers me greatly.

On the other hand, one thing I have learned in the past year is that I MUST work full time. I need to feel like I'm contributing to my household in a financial way. I need to not feel that I'm stuck in this marriage because I can't support myself or the cost of a divorce. Not to say that's what I want, or that I make enough to realistically do either of those things, but I need to feel like I could if I had to.

Another aspect of this job is that I don't enjoy it nearly as much as my last one. It's okay. The people are fine. Mostly. It is not challenging enough. And I was brought in to make change and that avenue is not currently open to me. Not to say that it won't be. And not to say I don't have a few things to learn first. I mean this time is probably the best thing for the situation. BUT, the inevitable but, I am not a patient woman.

So, in closing, all this to say, I'm working full time.

Let Go Already

In a classic blogger move I had a great post in my head that evaporated when confronted with the white page of doom. (Also known as a blank posting page.)

I keep getting up and trying to retrieve it. Work a bit and get it going again but alas it seems to have vanished.

In my typical fashion I shall bore you with a bit of stream of conscious and see what happens.

• Mother Nature is mocking me.Really. The ice has lasted THREE days so far on the trees. THREE DAYS. It never lasts that long. Especially while sunny. I've gone back to carrying my camera everywhere and yet, it's sunny while driving and the second I pull the car over the clouds roll over the sun. I'm afraid to try to get the shots I want now and have decided I don't deserve the new camera because if I did I would do something bold like skip work to photograph the amazing sights around me.Seriously, when the sun hits the trees just right it looks like they're made of glass. An entire world of glass. If I saw it in a movie or a painting I would never believe it. Looks like Mother Nature has taken to the world of cgi. It may be one of the most beautiful things ever and yet when I try to capture it - I can't.


• I need to update my blog template but just the time it took to fix my archives caused outrage in the MoMMY household. So, unless I plan on forgoing sleep for a few days, it's not going to happen. And since we all know I'm not one to forgo sleep... well, not happening.


• I also need to decide what I'm doing about my photography "business". I use business loosely. Very loosely. I'm thinking of shutting down the cafePress shop and even though I've talked about shutting down my website, I'm just not ready to do that yet. I'm not sure why, I guess because I hang on like a dog with a frickin' bone. Good lord, let it go already MoMMY.


• Speaking of letting go, still can't quite let go of the whole writing thing. The stuff I was writing and submitting a while back is languishing in a file box and on my computer and I can't seem to do anything with it. I'm obviously not a writer. I can't even manage to write on my blog anymore and yet I can't quite put that dream away. I will repeat, Good lord, let it go already MoMMY.


• Maybe this should be the year for letting go.

It All Comes Down to $

The cold, it lingers.

And there have been many times I've wanted to blog lately but had no access to a computer. When I have access, I don't have the time. It really is aggravating.

To keep with the new tradition of crappy in 2007, I spent last night at our local courthouse. Seems my vehicle inspection expired back in October and I never noticed. Even though technically the vehicles are someone else's "area". Still, I drive it and I didn't notice. The policeman did though. The good news is that I got off with just the mandatory fee. The judge let me go on the actual fine. Still, FEE.

The other thing was it was intermittently interesting. The kids (and they were definitely kids) brought in from prison because of parole violations. The kids with lawyers and parents that were obviously not there for simple traffic violations. It made me realize that "Dear God, may I never have to accompany my child to court." It is an experience I never want to have. Now, I'm sure some of those cases were childish misbehaving and some, I'm sure, were more serious. Ugh, I'm so not ready for the boys to grow up.

DJ was pleased that I did not have to go to jail. He was a bit worried.

In other news...
There has been discussion about getting me a NEW and IMPROVED camera. I've been asked to do some photography for actual pay but I need better equipment. No really. I can't do what I've been asked to do with what I have. The other side of it is that I won't be making enough to cover the cost of a new camera & lens. If I did then I'd say, "let's do it!" But no. I don't know how much I'll be making but I do know I won't come close as they are more in the "favor with some compensation" area.

I'd also like to ask for a raise. A big raise but I'm scared. I don't really know how to go about such things and I don't know how to figure out what I should be getting for where I'm working and what I'm doing. This is mostly because I don't have a specific "job". I do a bit of many different things. I'm not a web designer but I do web design. I'm not in accounting but I do the budget reports. I'm not an administrative assistant (what do they do anyway?) as I'd have to be full time and salaried. My official title is Special Projects but it's not something you can look up online and say, "Oh, here is what other people doing what I do make." I don't even know if there is anyone else in this company that does what I do.

When I was hired the salary was discussed and it was decided that after we figured out what my responsibilities were to be and if I could do what needed to be done (remember, never had a "career" and had been home for 5 years) that it would be renegotiated. The thing is that my immediate boss is the one who did my 6 month review and is not the same person who discussed my salary when I was hired (she wasn't even my boss then). So who do I talk to? My new boss isn't comfortable hiking my salary and I don't know if I should jump above her to the original person who discussed it with me. Suggestions?

Accepting all suggestions, advice, donations for a new camera etc.

Just the Facts

So much news.

So little time. Ok, really: So much laziness.

So much for the truth. Now onto facts...

Fact #1: I now have Fridays off. OFF. O.F.F.
I added an hour to my work day Monday-Thursday and have Fridays OFF. I'm giddy with the freedom. Same # of hours a week only 4 days instead of 5. Well, I was working 6 days a week because of my other job but now it is just Sun - Thursday. Two whole days off! Whooohoooo! A day to do laundry and dishes, schedule appointments and shop. Today was my first Friday off, actually, last Friday was my first Friday off but it was before I asked to change my hours. It was just suppose to be a one time deal because of Fact #2 (see below). It worked though and now it is permanent. Unless it doesn't work out. Then it is un-permanent. But for now, it's happening. And I am giddy. I actually feel like I'm playing hooky or something. Like I'm skipping out even though I put in my hours this week. A day off! For real! Giddy, I tell you.

I stayed in my pj's until 2 and did laundry and dishes and picked up the house a bit. My God! I had forgotten the loveliness that is being alone.

Fact #2: TJ had his adnoids out last Friday.
I wasn't really going to write about it because:

A) Respecting his privacy and all.

B) It is very minor surgery that I was anxious about (because I'm a mom). That and the fact they give you a month to entertain every horror you've ever heard about and some you just make up in your head. A month! Why, oh why, can they not just schedule surgery for the day after it is decided the child needs it? Why? My anxiety would have not had a chance to gather its forces and strangle me with fear.

So now you are asking why? Why am I writing about it. Well because. The child asked me if I was going to and when I said no he said I should and he wanted me to. So... there you have it.

Now for the fun part of fact #2: My son was drunk and seeing double and it was FUNNY.
They gave him some medication to take the edge off before the surgery and watching it take affect may have made me forget a bit of the anxiety... until they rolled him away. He told us the ceiling was pulsating and we looked weird. And then he giggled. When the anesthesiologist came by to check on him he giggled some more and pointed at him. Then he told him he had 4 eyes and 2 noses. Then more giggling may have occurred. It was really very entertaining. There was also a moment when my husband took off his baseball cap, held it out next to him and said, "Meet my friend." TJ made a horrified face. Then we all collapsed into a fit of giggles. Or maybe that was just me. It was funny. Trust me. Possibly the second best part of the whole day. Or maybe the third. The first being TJ making to the bathroom and back without throwing up or passing out. The second being spending the day on the couch with him watching movies we'd rented just for the occasion.

Fact #3: I'm a terrible, no good, very bad parent.
As an early Hanukkah present we took the older two to a concert. Their first concert. TJ's favorite musician.

First, we walked a half mile in the rain, stood in a very long line in the rain before getting in and then power walked back to the car (in the rain) after the show. All this the DAY AFTER TJ's surgery. In our defense, we bought the tickets a couple of months ago and promptly forgot all about them. I scheduled the surgery about a month later and STILL did not realize about the concert/surgery coinciding until the week before when my SIL mentioned the show. At which point I shrieked, "WE CAN NOT GO. My baby is having SURGERY." And there was much eye rolling for all the drama by the other family members. And to be fair, the Dr. okayed it if he was feeling up to it. It was not decided until the final moments whether or not we really were going to go but he insisted he was ok, so go, we did.

The other reason I was the T,NG,VB Parent was the show was Ben Folds. Tell me, have any of you seen Ben Folds in concert?

I am so not up with things. (Also known as Fact #4)

It was at a local college and it was a good show. It was fun and BF seemed to be having fun and I was enjoying myself until... until the major swearing started and I got a bit uncomfortable seated next to my 10 & 11 year olds. And then, the inappropriate song (**warning: not work or kid safe**) started. The inappropriate song was being sung in good fun and all - but to quote my sister-in-law, "I was very uncomfortable during that last song." To which I replied, "Try being their mother and listening to that while sitting next to them." To which my husband replied, "I pretended I was somewhere else. What else could I do."

I was sure CPS would be waiting at our door when we got home. Fortunately, so far it has not seemed to harm TJ's health any and as far as "the song" goes, we have decided to never speak of it again.

And that is all. For now.

I must get back to my Laundry! and Cooking! and caring of the children! for now they are home again and I am no longer alone.

Bullets

To get that horrible, bad vibe post off the top of the page and without enough time to devote to a real post, I've decided to give you a couple of bullets.

• I am in the process of switching banks. The evil M&T should be gone from my life in the next 2 or so weeks. 
• I have been knitting. A lot. I will post some pictures later for your viewing pleasure. Or maybe just for my own damn self so I can remember that I actually MADE stuff. BTW, booties are f'in HARD. And I said booties - hee! 
• I've been getting B12 shots for the last 3 months. I was weaned down to once a month and I couldn't make it. I hit a wall after 3 weeks. GAH! Now I have to start back at every 2 weeks (and possibly continue with that schedule). I am TIRED. I can't believed I've been living like this for the past however many years. Damn, no wonder everything seemed like such an effort. It was! And I thought I was just lazy. (Which, I am a little but not like I thought.) Now I know how people actually DO things. 
• August has arrived. And with it the killings begin. - I am not talking about me killing anyone. The children are starting to try to off each other. I expect the conflicts to continue to escalate over the next 4 weeks. All a.m. summer activities end this week. It does not look good. School is our only hope. 
• How did I survive before I had to leave my family every day for work? This job is helping my sanity on so many levels. Although, I think if I worked full time it might cancel itself out. 

Speaking of jobs...

Still Not Dead

I bet you totally thought I was dead this time. You did, didn't you? Well, I'm not. So, HA!

Guess I'm feeling a bit feisty. That and it's past my bedtime and I'm tired. So instead of sleeping I'm blogging and feeling feisty and feeling a bit like a zombie with the tiredness.

• The job? Very cool. I still feel like an idiot more than I'd like but my bosses seem happy. Things are moving along.


• The house? This kids are cleaning it. Yes, you read that correctly. THE. KIDS. ARE. CLEANING. THE. HOUSE. I did not say well. Or all. But they are cleaning things like their rooms (Whooo! Never done before!) and the toilets & bathroom sinks (better than me not getting to them) and even dusting and swiffering the living and dining room. No, really. I'm not lying. How am I getting them to do all this? I'm not. The people caring for my children while I'm at work are. That and bribery. No electronics until chores are done. Oh, and if you're thinking I'm some mean ogre making them slave away? Realize that there are 4 of them. One day's chores? 2 kids clean 2 toilets (1 each), 2 kids clean 2 sinks (1 each). Another day? One kid collects garbages from around house. One empties them all into kitchen garbage. Two kids take them & recycling to curb. Selling my kids into child slavery? Not so much. But the results are stunning. (comparatively speaking)


• The sports? GAH! The never ending baseball has ended. The all-day/every-day soccer has started. The summer rec and tennis lessons and golf lessons and gymnastic lessons and scout camp have started. Soon summer school starts. At least it keeps them from killing each other. Although, that to has started. Hmmmm, I thought it would hold off until August at least but really? No. It has begun.


• My sanity? Eh. Feeling sane but realizing a few things about how my brain works and how that may not be exactly normal. I shall save this for another post. Ha! I just made myself laugh. Another post. Guess I'm feeling optimistic.

And with that I shall go to bed. (After I clean the kitchen. Note to self: add kitchen duties to children's to do list.)

Is Today Over Yet?

So it isn't my best day. Or my worst. But it is definitely on the low end of the scale.

What? You say you are having a worse day? Huh? Huh?

Well, maybe you are. So, if that is the case, I hope this day ends soon for both of us.

Why has today been so crappy? Well, let me tell you. You don't care? Then go. Somewhere. Else. I must vent.

So I got up late. And would someone please tell me if a bad day has ever started when you got up on time. Where was I? Late, yes. I then proceeded to spill coffee down my front while driving to work. Genius, I know. But then, THEN, I remembered that Tide pen thing I bought forever ago and have never used. And it just so happen to be in the purse I was carrying. What good fortune. Except when you spill coffee on a light blue shirt and then put whatever chemicals are in that pen on it, you look like you were trying to enter a wet t-shirt contest by the time you get to work. So yes, I was driving down the expressway drawing all over my shirt with a bright orange pen that was making my shirt see-through. Ah, good times.

For the rest of the morning I hid in my office trying to cover myself every time someone came into my office. The stuff did dry but let me tell you something - the pen? DID. NOT. WORK. I'm not quite sure that spreading the stain around is a success. Apparently the pen just uses the liquid in it to spread the stain into an ever widening area. Pretty.

Then I realized I published a page on our intranet earlier this week that should not have been published and the existing pages are GONE and they only publish on Tuesday and Thursday nights and Tuesday is a holiday so I'm betting it won't be fixed then and besides that I have nothing to replace the horror with. Oh, and I'm still not sure how the damn system works there. MY GOD I AM AN IDIOT. And now they will all find out and fire me. See? Not a good day.

Also, the banking fiasco is still going on and I came home to yet another child with a fever and we are suppose to have errand day today and buy things like groceries so we can do things like eat but we need to use cash and I hate cash with a fiery passion and if we do not buy my 7 year old cleats today it will be the end of the world and I CAN NOT FOCUS ON ANYTHING.

Maybe I'm dying. Dying of a shitty day.

Not Dead

So yes, I'm still alive. I know you're all thinking that I must have something terribly witty or charming to say to herald my return but the truth is... no. You can go now. My feelings won't be hurt (much). I'm back to bore you with bullet points! Because bullet points are our friends. No, you say? Well, they are my friends. I like them. In fact, my many lists use bullet points. My notes at work use bullet points. My life is a series of bullet points right now. So, that explains the format of this post. And again, if you are looking for witty or charming or insightful? There are some lovely reads in the sidebar.

Stupid things that are messing with my life:

• Leaving the windows open in my mom's car. And then having it pour BUCKETS. (Please excuse the towels and wetness of my behind.)


• Rain! And Lightning! And Thunder! (and the men deciding the children should play baseball anyway)


• Baseball games and 2 soccer practices a night - 4 nights a week. (We have once again run out of adults in our house.)


• Meetings that I do not need to attend but have to anyway.


• The fact my bank has sold all it's local branches. What does this mean? It means I have no bank this weekend. I have no money this weekend. I have no DEBIT CARD this weekend (or today because things may not clear in time). I have no checks. I have no new account number. I have to re-set-up (it may not look like a word but I'm saying it is one. Back off.) all my bills to be paid. I have to contact all the companies that take their payments out of the account automatically. I have A LOT of damn paperwork and phone calls and computer time ahead of me. This does not make me happy.


• The fact that because I am working now I feel I must spend time with my children instead of blogging.


• The bathrooms are actually dirtier than before I went to work. I did not think it was possible.


• The fact it is light until 9:30 and the children are NOT SLEEPING.


• The dog's incessant barking. GAH! Enough already.

Things that make me smile:

• The boys playing soccer.


• Alex catching a hit and getting the ball to first base in time to get the batter out.


• My job.


• I finally got Dreamweaver at work and am working on our department's intranet pages.


• The blue sky behind varying shades of lush green.


• A neighbor saying they "made their money for the day" when the boys show up with a dollar in quarters and dimes and pennies to buy a bag of cherries from the trees in their front yard.


• Seeing the kids eating the cherries. (which they would never eat had I brought them home from the grocery store)


• (more with the cherries) Seeing the kids pulling "just one" cherry off the tree and pop it in their mouth every time we walk to the library and back.

I'm hoping to be back a little more often in the coming days, weeks, etc. Wish me luck.

The End Is Near!

Yesterday while taking the shuttle to work the air conditioner kicked on. It sounded like poisonous gas was being released into the air suddenly. And yes, poisonous gas sounds much different than regular gases. Yes, I know the difference. Don't you? Then apparently you don't watch enough TV.

Anyway, I had this sudden urge to shout, "The end is near!" Looking around I thought the other passengers might not find that amusing. So I sat there pondering why our employer would want to kill us since they need us to work. I then had the urge to scream, "The gas, it shall kill us all!" Again, I weighed what the other passengers' responses might be and decided against it. The urge was strong though.

I also realized they were probably not trying to kill us. The gas was most likely to drug us into being perfect workers. This may be why I feel such enormous and unnatural love for my job. It's the poisonous gas they release on the shuttle ride to work.

News!!!

I got the job!

The one with the perfect hours and the cool job responsibilities (computer woman!).

It doesn't seem quite real yet.

I also found 3 pairs of pants, 1 skirt, 1 shirt, 2 pairs of shoes and a new purse. It was a good shopping day! I'm thinking the planets finally aligned.

Tomorrow I'm off on a field trip with the oldest (the last one for at least a year for me :( ) and then Friday is paperwork, physical, drug screening day. I'm thinking it will seem more real then.

Oh, and I need to go through my calendars and reschedule a half dozen appointments scheduled in the mornings for the next couple of months. But YAY! a job. And I will reschedule anything to get out of having to look for a job one more minute.

And The Job Hunt Continues...

Let's just say that this morning I was done. I was sick of the "try to look at the bright side"-ness of it all. I guess you could say I'm an optimist. I always try to appreciate what I have when everything turns to shit. I always try to see how good will come out of the bad. I always do that good thing/bad thing thing. But not this morning. This morning I was pissed. I was pissed and unhappy. This whole job hunting thing got to me. I was hitting rock bottom.

I've been doing a full on search for a job for 4 months. FOUR. MONTHS. Not looking for jobs that require degrees. I have a degree but it's a BFA which means shit in this world. So no jobs that need a specific degree. I've applied for jobs that require a high school diploma and a bit of experience. Jobs that require the ability to answer phones and use a computer and send a fax. Jobs that will train and jobs that are almost all part time. I'm talking jobs I am actually qualified for. And let me mention... I'm not a good liar. I didn't lie on my resume. DID. NOT. LIE.

So I spent 2 months with no responses. None. Not one. Then I got 4 calls in 2 days. The tides had turned. I usually interview well. People can see I'm not full of shit when I say I can do something.

Let's just say that it is now a month later and I still have NO. JOB. Why? I'm fairly intelligent. I'm well spoken. I don't believe I had any snot hanging out of my nose during the interviews. I showered. I kept it together, was confident and did not babble. I HELD. MY. TONGUE. I have a blog. You must realize I have a tendency to talk.

Still, nothing.

Today I had yet another interview. This was with 2 more people from the hospital. Now, just so you all know, I've worked in a hospital before. I enjoyed it. I did it well. I breezed through my first 2 interviews and was left with the impression they wanted to hire me. Then... nothing. Then they notified me that the hours had changed. Was I still interested? Yes! I need a job people. And even though the hours weren't as great as the first set they were still doable. Then nothing.

Then a week later I got another call. They switched the hours again. To hours I simply can't do. 2:30-6pm M-F. Hours that mean I will miss everything with the kids. Hours that mean I will not being earning what I need to earn to keep us afloat. AND I will still be home during the day, alone, going insane from boredom. I. CAN. NOT. STAY. HOME. ALL. DAY. ANY MORE. I NEED A JOB! So I said no. Then I cried. Then I called back and said, "Yes, I'll keep the final 2 interviews."

Because I need a job. And maybe someday I could get my hours changed.

This brings us to today. It brings us to me once again trying to look at the positive and how I could make this all work which brings us to the tears at the thought of leaving my babies. Which reminds me that I have PMS and have been crying at the drop of a hat for days which makes me worry I will cry in the middle of the interview if things don't go well. Then I get a bit pissed. And I decide I'm tired of trying to focus on the good. Things are shitty and I should be able to say - things are shitty. So yes, things here are shitty.

And then I get the desperate sweat thing going. So now I am sweating. I am running late - LATE. For a job interview. Then a v-e-r-y s-l-o-w o-l-d p-e-r-s-o-n is in front of me and I AM LATE. Lovely. More sweat.

I'm thinking I have actually hit the bottom of the desperation scale. And yet, I have that slight fear that it could get even worse. And we know I'm afraid of angering any of the Gods - as in the - You thought things were bad before-Gods, HA! I shall show you-Gods. So, trying to tread carefully in my anger and self-pity.

Well, I arrive. Sweaty. Late. And yes, the HR person notices I am late. So I'm off to a great fucking start. And then? I babble. And sweat. But it seems to be going well other than the occasional mental "SHUT. UP. SHUT. UP. SHUT. UP!" Why can I not just shut up or talk more slowly. **Frame of reference: I grew up in New England and I can speak at approximately the speed of light. Many people can not understand me when I'm going full tilt. Which I was at many points during the interviews.**

The good news (see, here I go again): I think it went well other than my obvious desperation. The guy who has final say seems to want to hire me. And possibly in a different position with better (re: perfect) hours.

The bad news: Nothing is decided and I may have a heart attack before it is. Also, nothing is decided and they could decide to hire someone else and then I shall be screwed.

More good news (can. not. stop. myself.): I've begun applying for yet more jobs. So there's that.

The bad news: I'm strung as tight as a wire and very nearly vibrating with... well, with something. I'm not quite sure what. Whatever it is, it has me wound so tight I may snap at any moment.

The last bit of good news (please send help): I don't feel like crying anymore.