The Horror

Things I learned today while shopping for a bathing suit (in bullets) (& sub-bullets) (& parenthesis):

• It never gets easier. Only worse.
• My thighs should never be displayed in public (or private). It's not that they're huge or anything (not that they couldn't be smaller) but they are:
• pasty
• bruised, as in several dark purple bruises
• and yes, I've been taking my iron and getting my B-12 shots
• and no, I have no idea where the bruises came from
• much less smooth (as in frighteningly ripply) than I remember (when the hell did that happen?)
• I apparently haven't seen my naked thighs in a mirror in a couple of years.
• It was a rude shock.
• You totally want me right now, don't you?
• All the spandex in the world around my midsection will not help my thighs one bit.
• I paid more money to look hideous than I will pay for almost any other item of clothing.
• I am returning the bathing suit.
• The stupid skirted bathing suit that floats up when you enter the water and the "cute" boy shorts that only look good on skinny women who could get away with a thong are not going to work either.
• I would totally go another year without a bathing suit except I would like to go in a pool with the kids and not be uncomfortable in shorts and a tee shirt.
• I'm thinking of a redesign of swim wear is finally in order.
• My ideas for a new line of women's swim wear:
• <Deleted for possible new business venture. Riiight. Like that will ever happen. My ego, it is huge.>
• I may buy some of the above items and modify them myself. It can't look any worse than what I just spent a small fortune on and I bet it will be a hell of a lot cheaper.

Does anyone know someone in fashion that could make this happen?