Wednesday, October 29, 2008


I'm kinda feeling like I get a big FAIL on life right now. Dinners not made. House not clean. Laundry needing to be done. Blog not updated. Ever.

Life is kicking my ass and yet it's all good. I'm happy. It's amazing how the people in my life make all the difference. When they're happy? I'm happy. That and my job. Love the new job. That alone makes life so much better.

In other news which is starting to look like another possible FAIL...

I told the kids we'd have a Halloween party. Yeah, not sure what I was thinking. Actually, I do. I was thinking that instead of the jr. high kids out on the streets getting into trouble, they could hang out in our garage. Then the oldest informed me all his friends wanted to go trick-or-treating. So the party became a sort of after-party. A get-off-the-streets-and-into-my-garage-where-I-can-keep-an-eye-on-you party.

We made the guest list. I bought some decorations. We cleaned the garage. I bought food. The kids told me they invited more people. We cleaned the garage. We decorated. I bought more decorations. The kids ran out of invites and invited more kids. We brought the air hockey table into the garage to put near the ping pong table. I bought more decorations. I now have no idea who or how many kids are coming, how many families or what the hell is going on.

The deal is suppose to be that once they come to the house they can't leave until a parent picks them up. (I live in a very heavily trick or treating trafficked neighborhood.) NOW my oldest tells me that a bunch of them are meeting up BEFORE trick or treating at our house. NOT part of the plan. Also, it was suppose to be mostly for his friends with a couple of the youngers' thrown in. Now the other three each have a handful of kids invited.

What to do? I think I may be going with the whole wing it thing. What happens happens and if we run out of food they can eat their candy. That and I'm locking them all in the garage so no one escapes.

What say you? FAIL? I say I agree, FAIL.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Bungee Cord of Life

While I'm waiting for people to return my e-mails so I can do some more work, I thought I'd put some thoughts down here. What thoughts? I'm not sure.

Wow, that's a stunning start, no? Are you ready to run away yet?

I almost subjected you to bullets but I just deleted them all. You're welcome. Instead I will pull a thread from them and pontificate on that alone. In truth though, many of the bullets were pointing toward the same area so I figured I would just write about that. Right now you're dying to know what the hell I'm talking about. What already? What? Gah! Now I've set myself up for failure. The big build up - how does one follow that?

I guess what I want to write about is the simultaneous suckatude and blessings bestowed on me this past 18 months. I've realized that most of my life has been lived on the middle line. A few extreme highs, a few extreme lows but for the most part, middle. In fact, I've spent most of the past 6 years living on that middle line. Okay, the depression was quite a low but still, pretty middle groundish.

About 18 months ago I stepped off a cliff and it's like I did it attached to a bungee cord. Seriously scary lows alternating with seriously flying highs. As time passes I find myself bouncing a little less high and a little less low but I'm still bouncing. While I hate the lows, who doesn't?, I'm finding that I've still been able to see how some of them might be for the best. They might teach me something or they might be a catalyst to make me do something I need to do. Yes, they suck. But eventually things get better. I also see I'm not out of the woods yet.

I spent many years fearing the tragedy. I was so afraid of what could happen I didn't dare wish for anything better. I believe in balance in this world. For every good thing something bad will happen. Maybe not a 1:1 ratio but I realize that no matter how great things are, there is no such thing as perfect. Life will never be perfect. If we got on our feet financially something might happen to one of the kids. Actually, that was pretty much my fear. If any of our problems went away, the something bad to take its place might hurt one of the kids. That is something I couldn't live with. I never want my life to be easier at the cost of one of the kids suffering.

So, I was afraid to hope. But then bad things happened and I had to take action. I had to help myself and the kids. So I got a full time job. And although it's been 10 months, the transition is just getting better. The kids who had me home and available at the drop of a hat for pretty much all of their lives got use to me working full time and not always being there. And you know what? For all the worrying I do about them not having constant supervision, I also think it may be a little good for them. I do worry something will go horribly wrong. But I think if it doesn't, they will be better for it.

Because of this full time job we're slowing creeping out of that place called debt. We even bought a brand new minivan. That may not seem like much to most of you but it is the first new vehicle Jeff or I have ever owned. It's not top of the line but it is safe and durable and we love it. It's still so hard for me to believe we have the resources to buy a new car. It's something I honestly couldn't even imagine happening. I never thought we'd be in that place. I've seen us losing our house but not owning a new car. AND we were able to have new walls & a new ceiling put up in our stairwell. That's something that's needed to be done since we moved in 8 years ago.

So some of the suckatude has definitely brought good things. Not that it comes without the pain of the bad crap though. Case in point, my father passed away this summer and although that has it's own baggage it also gives my brother the freedom to do what he's been wanting to do for years. You may think that sounds horrible but my father was not in good health, he was not enjoying his life a whole lot and he was difficult for my brother. Now he is at peace and my brother is doing what he's been wanting to do without feeling like he's abandoned my father. See? Sucky yet freedom.

Well, I'd go on but no one has e-mailed me back and it's time to go home. Or rather, time to go to pick up the kids and go to a soccer game. Have a non-sucktastic night!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Hello? Am I alone here?

So I guess I've neglected this place. In my heart I think I had given up on it. But now, time has passed and I'm thinking of giving it another go. Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe no one cares and maybe no one will check in here to see I'm back. I suppose that's all fine. Well and good. Removes all the pressure too. So, thank you if you've forgotten about me in my little corner of cyberspace. You've made this easier.

What to say now that I've been gone so long...

The kids are enormous. As in one of them is now the tallest person in the house. The next one is gaining on us and I'm thinking in another year or so he may be the 2nd tallest. As much as this scares the crap out of me I'm glad they'll be taller than their parents. Anyone who knows us in real life knows we are little people. Not in the actual medical classification of the phrase but still, quite short. Close friends like to refer to us as Shetland people.

If you're curious about the "scares the crap out of me" comment above, that would allude to the fact that they are aging. They are entering the teen years. The older two boys are now in Junior High and although they are easier in many ways than the diaper changing/sleep deprived/just eat a healthy food, you cannot live on Cheerios and cheese alone days it is harder in more important ways. Like the stop eating everything in sight, I can't afford to feed you/how much supervision is too much and how much is not enough/what the hell are you saying in all those text messages/what do you mean that's your girlfriend, she has BOOBS way.

But I'm sure you've heard that from other parents before. You've also heard that trying to keep up with four boys schedules is nearly impossible. What the hell were we thinking having more than two children? Also, how does the most unathletic woman on the planet have a bunch of sons who live for sports? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

My God, the soccer schedule alone! I must also mention that the one child that is not completely thrilled with sports (although he does play lacrosse and summer soccer) takes guitar lessons and writes his own friggin' music. Did I mention I'm also the most unmusical person you will ever meet? Tone deaf may have been mention in connection with my name once or twice or eleventy-billion times.

Since I've been gone I've also managed to put on a Bar Mitzvah celebration for my oldest. (He is amazing! The work that kid put in was phenomenal!) Got a new job. Received a promotion. And had walls put up in my stairwell. That's some big changes right there.

But for now I must go. There was a topic I wanted to write on but of course, I've since forgotten what it was.

You Know you have to register, right?

Thanks Erica!