Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Bungee Cord of Life

While I'm waiting for people to return my e-mails so I can do some more work, I thought I'd put some thoughts down here. What thoughts? I'm not sure.

Wow, that's a stunning start, no? Are you ready to run away yet?

I almost subjected you to bullets but I just deleted them all. You're welcome. Instead I will pull a thread from them and pontificate on that alone. In truth though, many of the bullets were pointing toward the same area so I figured I would just write about that. Right now you're dying to know what the hell I'm talking about. What already? What? Gah! Now I've set myself up for failure. The big build up - how does one follow that?

I guess what I want to write about is the simultaneous suckatude and blessings bestowed on me this past 18 months. I've realized that most of my life has been lived on the middle line. A few extreme highs, a few extreme lows but for the most part, middle. In fact, I've spent most of the past 6 years living on that middle line. Okay, the depression was quite a low but still, pretty middle groundish.

About 18 months ago I stepped off a cliff and it's like I did it attached to a bungee cord. Seriously scary lows alternating with seriously flying highs. As time passes I find myself bouncing a little less high and a little less low but I'm still bouncing. While I hate the lows, who doesn't?, I'm finding that I've still been able to see how some of them might be for the best. They might teach me something or they might be a catalyst to make me do something I need to do. Yes, they suck. But eventually things get better. I also see I'm not out of the woods yet.

I spent many years fearing the tragedy. I was so afraid of what could happen I didn't dare wish for anything better. I believe in balance in this world. For every good thing something bad will happen. Maybe not a 1:1 ratio but I realize that no matter how great things are, there is no such thing as perfect. Life will never be perfect. If we got on our feet financially something might happen to one of the kids. Actually, that was pretty much my fear. If any of our problems went away, the something bad to take its place might hurt one of the kids. That is something I couldn't live with. I never want my life to be easier at the cost of one of the kids suffering.

So, I was afraid to hope. But then bad things happened and I had to take action. I had to help myself and the kids. So I got a full time job. And although it's been 10 months, the transition is just getting better. The kids who had me home and available at the drop of a hat for pretty much all of their lives got use to me working full time and not always being there. And you know what? For all the worrying I do about them not having constant supervision, I also think it may be a little good for them. I do worry something will go horribly wrong. But I think if it doesn't, they will be better for it.

Because of this full time job we're slowing creeping out of that place called debt. We even bought a brand new minivan. That may not seem like much to most of you but it is the first new vehicle Jeff or I have ever owned. It's not top of the line but it is safe and durable and we love it. It's still so hard for me to believe we have the resources to buy a new car. It's something I honestly couldn't even imagine happening. I never thought we'd be in that place. I've seen us losing our house but not owning a new car. AND we were able to have new walls & a new ceiling put up in our stairwell. That's something that's needed to be done since we moved in 8 years ago.

So some of the suckatude has definitely brought good things. Not that it comes without the pain of the bad crap though. Case in point, my father passed away this summer and although that has it's own baggage it also gives my brother the freedom to do what he's been wanting to do for years. You may think that sounds horrible but my father was not in good health, he was not enjoying his life a whole lot and he was difficult for my brother. Now he is at peace and my brother is doing what he's been wanting to do without feeling like he's abandoned my father. See? Sucky yet freedom.

Well, I'd go on but no one has e-mailed me back and it's time to go home. Or rather, time to go to pick up the kids and go to a soccer game. Have a non-sucktastic night!

1 comment:

Tracey said...

We all have those moments.
{{{cyber hugs}} and letting you know... You are not alone. Email me whenever you want.