Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Welcome Back Old Friend

I would like to welcome you back my old friend depression. I thought I had left you behind but now I see you were just waiting to surprise me. Thanks for that. Good thing I finally got an appointment with a therapist. Please hold off on the paralyzing mire until next week when said appointment is scheduled.

I just feel so defeated.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Kid Conversation

Things my 13 year old said to me this morning while I took him step-by-step through the process of preparing dinner:

13: Do I have to touch the raw chicken with my hands?

Me: No, it will leap into the pot all by itself. You're just there to watch.

13: Do I put the chicken IN the crockpot?

Me: No, place it AROUND the pot. It cooks better that way.

This may have made my day.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Maybe I Just Need A Nap

A good friend recently suggested that I may want to resume taking antidepressants.

I'll give you a minute to let that sink in a bit.

I had thought I was doing well. I had thought that maybe I needed to start therapy again, maybe, possibly. But that coupled with the fact that I think it's time to find a new therapist... seems a bit, oh I don't know, overwhelming. I did not think I was anywhere near the antidepressant stage.

This does not give me much confidence in my current state of mind.

I don't even have time for a haircut. Spring! Sports! No life for you! How am I to make time for therapy? Do I really want to have to start all over explaining my brand of crazy? That just seems so exhausting. After my recent spate of medical doctors and their serious lack of helping me, I have decided to suck it up and ignore any and all physical problems. I keep thinking I should do the same with the crazy. Except the crazy affects the people who live with me. And that is not really fair. GAH! I don't know. Maybe I'll just go to bed early tonight and continue to
ignore, ignore, ignore.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Things that are currently pissing me off:

**I'm sorry if this keeps showing up in your readers. I keep adding to the list. Someone may perish by the end of the day. It may not be wise to piss me off in person today.**

  • Doctors who do NOT LISTEN to their patients. And then other doctors who tell you to listen to them anyway.

  • When people send me a receipt addressed to Mr. & Mrs. First Middle Last Name of husband when it is ME who made a donation to their organization. WTF? He didn’t even WANT to give you people money.

  • Bosses who review you and pick some random thing to say you need to improve on. And by random, I mean one of the few things I thought I was doing well. Not the things like spending too much time on the internet and not getting the filing done in a timely manner or dressing too casually. These would be legitimate complaints. Not having good customer service skills is crap.

  • The price of gas. $3.94? Seriously? I can’t afford to drive to and from work anymore.

  • Children who don’t get ready for school and then blame you when they miss the bus. Need I say more?

  • The fact I need to shop at no less than 4 different stores to acquire all the things my household needs. AND everyone complaining that we do not have said things. AND when I ask for suggestions of how I could get the time to actually visit these stores, be told that they have no suggestions. Actually, before being told that a certain spouse had no suggestions he may or may not have just not responded to the question. When pressed, he then gave the answer of “I didn’t respond because I don’t have any suggestions.” So it all falls to me once again. Plan, arrange, acquire, prepare, clean up. Not even a response from anyone. Thanks.

  • Coworkers who ask you if you’ve ordered the toner for the printer when it was never made clear that it was your responsibility. And then two minutes later being told that the fax machine has been out of toner for days and why haven’t you replaced it and do we even have any. When you do not use the fax machine and this is the first you’ve heard about the problem.

  • My breadmaker broke the second week we had it. I did what they told me to on the phone and now, two months later, nothing. I want my freaking bread maker back.

  • People who are applying for a job and insult the people who will be working for him. The same people that have a say in who gets hired. I wish I was making this shit up.

  • I lost my favorite pencil. I have no pencil and I have no idea what happened to it. I love office supplies. I may have an unhealthy addiction to them. I know I have an unhealthy affection for my pencil. The pencil I write in my sketch/idea/list/everything book. I need to write in my book and I have no pencil. Grrrr.

  • Horrible things are happening in the world and I'm seriously pissed about a whole lot of meaningless shit.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

About once a week my mother sends me an e-mail telling me some tidbit about how my youngest cried that morning after I dropped him off. Either he was up to late and was tired or, like today, he wanted to have breakfast with me but didn’t. In just about every case it is because he did not do what he needed to for the task to be accomplished. Of course he never tells her that part. In every instance it is somehow my fault. For example, last night he said he wanted to get up and have breakfast with me this morning. I woke him up at the designated time, he refused to rise, when he finally did emerge from his bed he cried because I was done eating and had even showered. My husband and I tried to wake him approximately 8,724 times.

But the absolute best part of these missives my mother sends me is how she ends each one. “Your children miss you.”

Why thank you for that mom. It is a lovely way to start my day. Crying at my keyboard in the office is a fabulous way to greet students and coworkers.

I have told her how I miss them since going back to work full-time in January. I’ve told her how I’ve been spending MORE time with them. I’ve told her about the things I’ve tried to do to make the time together better (like breakfast with them).

She always assures me she’s not criticizing. She tells me I can’t quit my job, the children will adapt, etc, etc. So why, WHY must she lay on the guilt?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Random Thought Tuesday

(AKA Bullets Are My Friends)

  • The reason for all the tiredness and exhaustion? My iron level which should reside at a minimum of 50 is at an all time low of 5. The doctor asked if I’d been feeling a little fuzzy in the brain. Ah, yeah. Well, that is why. When I stated that must be why I’ve been so freaking tired he said he was surprised I was still standing. All the other tests? Normal.

  • My camera. My love. My huge investment that we could not afford and I was so guilt ridden about that it took me months to really USE the damn thing? GONE. I used it Saturday and now it is GONE. I swear I remember putting it in the car on our way home from a festival. It was between the seats of the van with my purse on top of it. We went to my s-i-l’s and then home. It was not there when we got home. My s-i-l searched her house and so did her husband even though I SWEAR I didn’t bring it in. I called the campus safety people and the library at the location of the festival in the pathetic hope that I remember incorrectly AND I left said camera on a park bench. This particular fantasy includes the finder of the Nikon D80 with 18-200 VR lens to actually turn it in and not keep it for themselves. So far, no such luck. This also means I have to file a police report.

  • Did you know to file a police report for a stolen item you must be in the county of the theft and call 911? I did not. I thought 911 was for absolute, my house is on fire, emergencies. I was wrong. I do not live in the same county as my sil. I do however work in the same county as her. This means I must either find time in my Spring sport calendar (NONE. NONE I tell you) to go to her house and call OR I must have the police report to my JOB. It seems you must call 911 then they come to you and you file the report. I do not want the local sheriff’s at my place of business. I also do not want to wait much longer to file the report.

  • I really keep hoping my brain is not working well and someone finds the damn camera. We just finished paying it off.

  • I don’t think this particular fantasy is going to come true.

  • I miss my camera.

  • Stress + low iron = need nap now (or from now on: nnn)

  • My 1st performance review for my new job is this afternoon. And I’m blogging. I’m a bit worried.

  • I hate 1st reviews. You never know how they’re going to go.

  • nnn

Friday, May 2, 2008

Friday Five

  1. I called in sick yesterday. And I was sick. Just not the not able to get out of bed kind. That is actually the only kind of sick that has actually caused me to miss work before yesterday. Needless to say, the children did not understand this sick. They kept saying I wasn't. I was kind of feeling like I wasn't really sick. I mean I was up walking around. I even did a couple loads of laundry and helped the youngest complete his homework. I drove myself to the doctor's. Clearly I couldn't be that sick. But really, I was. I have serious muscle fatigue, regular old fatigue and my God I'm so frigging tired. But I did not take a nap. I actually ran out of time. Still, it was a leisurely kind of day where I did things but at a much slower pace than I'm use to.

  2. The hypochondriac that I am went back to the doctor (as I mentioned above). My husband actually had to make the appointment because at the time it was determined (by him) that I really needed to follow up all those negative test results, I was too damn tired and overwhelmed to even make the phone call on Wednesday. It's sad really. I'm completely pathetic. So I went and envisioned an appointment filled with rolled eyes and pats on the head. I should make it clear here that my fine physician has never treated me that way before. But honestly, I was starting to treat myself that way and I figured if I'm sick of me being sick but not really sick with all normal tests then certainly everyone else thinks I'm a fraud.

  3. You see where this is going. He totally validated my feelings. He totally believed something is wrong. He ordered a gallon of blood to be drawn and yet more x-rays and... well, I really don't want to actually think about the other thing he ordered *cough* colonoscopy *cough*. I spent my morning on a journey of needles and nakedness and no, none of it was fun in the way nakedness should be fun. The last thing on the list is not for a couple of weeks so all ended well.

  4. The day got decidedly better after that. I got to have lunch with a friend (yes, I should have been napping) and her darling daughter. With cute! striped! purple! tights. Tights! I love tights! And none of the boys will agree to cute striped tights. Odd, I know.After paying bills, blech, I went with the 3 younger boys to their art class. It's a new place right down the street and honestly? It makes me want to quit my job and just hang out there. It is a wonderfully warm and inviting space designed to unleash your creativity. The owner has tables and chairs set up in front of the big front window for parents to hang at and even free wifi (which would be great if I owned a laptop). As it was, I knit and listened to their chatter. Maybe I'm a horrible person to admit this but I love to listen to my kids' trains of thought. They are so insightful and creative and wonderful. The bad part? I don't feel the same way about other people's kids. I know. Terrible. I'm really sorry. I'm sure YOUR kids are just as fabulous as mine, I just haven't met them.

  5. Another way one of my children has amazed me - seriously knocked my socks off amazed me - is by writing music. Let me give you a bit of background. I have been accused of being tone deaf. I enjoy music but it's like this mysterious entity to me. I have no ear for languages either. In fact, I grew up in Massachusetts and no one can figure out why I don't have an accent. It may be because I have no audio competency. Yes, it's totally a real thing. No, I did not just make that up. Ok, maybe I did. Anyway, somehow, even with having me for a mother, my NINE year old is learning three instruments, can read music, and is WRITING HIS OWN. It's the furthest thing from my comprehension. And it ROCKS!Am I the only who thinks this is amazing?