Monday, November 29, 2004

What does it mean...

...when you call the school nurse to tell her your son will be absent and she recognizes your number from the caller id?

Kid Quote

ZACH (age 4): "When I grow up and help Mikayla make my baby, stuff will come out of my penis."

Must hide It's So Amazing. (Dylan has been reading it to him.)

**SIDENOTE: He plans to marry Mikayla when they grow up.

Kid Conversation

Scene: Dylan and I filling out a mad-lib type thing in the back of his National Geographic Kids magazine.

ME: Body part

DYLAN: Uterus.



ME: Uterus?



DYLAN: Uterus.



ME: No, one of your body parts.



DYLAN: I don't have a uterus, you do. Can I say *whispers* penis?



ME: No, no private parts. Unless you are a grown-up - as private parts make it so much funnier.



After far, far too many minutes...

ME: Well? Body part? arm? leg?

DYLAN: Teeth.

**SIDENOTE: Thanks Uncle Mike. He loves the magazine.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Rosie Cheeks

A while back I promised a picture of Zach's pink cheeks when he went out to play in the first snow...

• see him




This picture does NOT do him or his cheeks justice.



• hide him

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Kid Pic

The Halloween picture I promised... (Not even a month late - not bad. Unless you were planning on getting me a digital camera. In that case, way, way too long to wait to see my adorable kids!)



Kid Lessons or Where I Use My Blog As Therapy

My 6 y/o taught me something last night.


He is very motivated by positive reinforcement. In fact, it is difficult to get him to do anything without the promise of reward. Whether it's a sticker, plastic frog, an extra story at bedtime or dessert, he won't do anything you ask unless he gets something in return.


Now before you tell me it's our fault for always giving him stuff, you have to realize we are raising three other boys. None of them are fueled solely by tangible rewards. I'm not sure what makes him different.


At his parent/teacher conference last week we found out the thought of him and his lack of motivation keeps his teacher up at night. "In a good way." Yeah, right.


He will not be challenged against other children. He will not be threatened. To say, "If you don't hurry there'll be no story." Does nothing. To say, "If you get ready quick we'll read two stories." Gets him to perform.


Timers and counting work. Threatening punishment doesn't.


Wondering how to teach him to motivate himself. Do things because they must be done. Do things he doesn't want to do without reward. These things made me evaluate the motivation behind the things I do.


• more about what I learned and how it relates to me, me, me



It made me realize how much I do in the hopes of being recognized as someone special.


Many of the things I do that are motivated by recognition are also done in the hopes of someday making money. Photography, scrapbooking, writing.


Once I realize it won't happen in a particular area I grow bored and move on to the next thing. Not to say I give up easily. Photography - six years. Teaching scrapbooking - three years. Writing - six years.


My latest career choice was/is children's book writer. I've been working, learning, meeting people for six years now. I've come close to publication. Not as close as some but closer than others. And now I must ask myself why. Why am I doing this?


Maybe it's time to stop.


If there's no reward at the end - Do I keep doing it? If there is never publication - do I keep trying?


I've asked myself these questions before. Somewhere deep inside I've always thought I would eventually get published. Now - now, I don't think so. I still have a flicker of hope (because I'm and eternal optimist - Why god? Why?) but on some level I'm realizing it won't happen.


It's like winning the lottery. On one level you know it'll never happen. The other level, the one that buys the ticket every now and then, keeps thinking - you never know.


OMG! For FIFTEEN YEARS I have been training, practicing, learning, working, selling myself, trying to make a career out of my creative endeavors. I never realized I've spent so much of my life at this. Almost half my life. ACK!


I think I just had a revelation. Time to suck it up and find a career I can actually make money at. Time to get a job because my family needs me to. Time to work because that is what grown-ups do. Not because I want to do it. Because I shouldn't need the recognition - just the job. Any job.


Anyone have a suggestion for my new line of work?


Anyone have a job to offer me?


• shut me up


Sunday, November 21, 2004

Good News

Today was a good day. I think the meds are starting to work. Let's hope.


No time to write as I have been busy DOING ACTUAL THINGS today. Things like laundry, dishes, shopping and list-making! Yes, YAY! for list-making. Last week it was just too overwhelming to make a list and today I made not 1, not 2, but FIVE actual lists for shopping!


Tomorrow I may actually try to write something interesting.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Update Part 2

The good news is I've been managing to pull myself from bed by thinking of the neglect to my oldest should I fail to send him off. I have managed to get the children shoved onto their buses and the youngest to preschool before I start to flail about, clueless as to what I should be doing next. The children are clothed and fed and have their homework done and checked. Beyond that I'm pretty useless.



I've been planning a trip to the grocery to acquire actual food to use in the dinner making process for about a week now. I somehow have not managed such a trip in more days than seems possible. (side note: Thank you Mom for bringing milk this a.m. The children were able to eat their cereal and get at least a speck of their nutritional needs fulfilled.) I mean usually I'm there every other day or so. I do at least one huge shopping a week. Not been happening.



Anyway, back to today, I'm out picking up the little one from preschool and decide to go to the store while I'm out. Because, let's face it, I'm not going out again unless I'm dragged. So we go to a store I'm not used to shopping at because they have a certain salsa that I've craved in the past and think it may entice me to eat something besides chocolate. I'm driving down the road and I actually start to panic about shopping. The whole thing seems way too complicated. Too many choices. What am I suppose to be buying? And how will I face all those choices? It's all a bit overwhelming. I'm thinking of turning around and just going home. But this is GROCERY SHOPPING. Come on people. I LOVE grocery shopping. This is an almost every day activity for me. For YEARS.



Zach & I sat in that parking lot while I tried to convince myself it would be fine. I wrote down a couple of things I knew we needed and that's all I had to get. Yes, I had to give myself a peptalk. How pathetic is that? We'll just leave if it gets to be too much.



Shopping is going fine. Oh no, Zach has to poop. NOW. He already went a bit in his pants. I'm standing in the bathroom practically hyperventilating. Need air. I've dealt with this scenario a million times. I have FOUR children. They have all done this eleventy million times. Not a big deal. We could just go home. But no, I shamed myself into staying. And shopping. I mean really... go home because shopping is too overwhelming? Sad. So sad. I'm afraid they're going to take away my mothering license. Or my shopper's club card.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Update

Didn't mean to make anyone worry yesterday. Nothing has gone wrong. Nothing to cause the sadness. All children and relatives are happy and healthy.



I did go visit my doctor yesterday for what I will be calling "the sadness". He was great. Said it sounded like true depression. Not something he sees often. I guess people usually have something to actually be depressed about but no - not me. Pathetic for no good reason. I actually cried in his office. Poor guy. Medicated me right up. Can you believe this stuff takes 2-3 WEEKS to work??? The other stuff he usually prescribes takes 6-8 WEEKS. WEEKS people. He was a bit afraid to make me wait that long for results. I think I scared the guy. We discussed therapy but since I have NO GOOD REASON for being lame I really didn't think it would help (& either did he). So we'll see how it goes.



I just hope it helps my focus (& the headaches & the tiredness & the feelings of life being too overwhelming to deal with life & & &). I know a lot of writers write more when they're going through a rough patch but I can't seem to write at all. Can't focus my thoughts long enough to form a sentence. (hence the lack of good posts lately. okay, maybe it's really my lack of talent but right now I'm blaming the depression.)

Friday, November 12, 2004

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

I'm Still Around

I realize I've been quiet lately. Anyone who knows me knows this is an amazing development. Not to worry, in person I'm still chatting my ass off. Still, I have wanted to blog I just can't seem to. The problem would be ...well, problems in my life. See, family reads this blog. It sort of started as a way to keep the family updated on the kids. Then it became a brain dump. Now it is a way to write every day as an exercise (along with the brain dump). I'm honest here. I'm not good at being dishonest. (It takes too much energy.) So what to do? Luanne at Wannabe Muse has had similar thoughts recently and as she said, I am barely able to keep up with one blog. There is no way I can do two. Any thoughts on this problem would be greatly appreciated.

I guess the word for now is... there is a lot going on but I can't talk about any of it.


Gee, somehow that doesn't make me feel better.

In other news, a writer friend, Denise Ortakales, has been getting a lot of well-deserved praise for her new children's book, The Legend of the Old Man of the Mountain. Check it out. It is nothing less than fantastic.


Also, thanks to Cindy, I have a wonderful time-waster that I am already addicted to. So sad really. And if anyone can beat my score of 46 - yes, I said FORTY-SIX! Bring it on! (I only played twice - really)
One last thing - it snowed last night. For some reason I was totally unprepared. Who knows why since it is NOVEMBER and I live in UPSTATE NY. On one hand, I'm surprised it waited this long. On another, there was enough snow for Zach to go outside and PLAY in it. Okay, so it was more like take 15 minutes to get him dressed in full gear and then him sitting in the snow for 5 minutes before he decided to come in because it was COLD. Did I mention it was only 23 degrees today? How did this happen? I must not have been paying attention when the memo went out that said it was too cold to go out without 10 5 layers on. Yes, the children have been wearing their winter coats for weeks but I have been avoiding it and now I can't anymore. Waaah!

**NOTE: Zach did look adorable with his flawless, milky skin all pink in the cheeks and nose. A poster child for winter. Can't wait to get the film developed!

(PS- holiday gift giving idea... a DIGITAL camera so I can actually post pictures the same season I take them. - hint, hint)


Friday, November 5, 2004

Searching

I really must tell you all the search phrase that brings the most people here... disturbing me since 8.3.04 the consistently most popular search is...

Speedo Man and guys in speedos

Today's Fortune

You should be able to make money and hold on to it.
Notice the key word - should. Funny considering my current state of affairs. Okay, maybe funny is not the right word. Let's try... ironic.

Little Bit O'Fun

This is how we should all start our day - just type in your name.

Thursday, November 4, 2004

Today's Fortune

You will be rewarded for being a good listener.
So tell me what you want me to hear. I'm listening.

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Kid Conversation

TYLER: "Did you know only men use to be able to vote? They didn't even let women vote at one time."

ME: "Yes, women had to fight for the right to vote. Do you think woman should be able to vote?"

TYLER: rolls eyes and looks like I don't have a brain in my head - you know the look - "There has never been a woman president."

ME: "No, not yet. Maybe someday."

TYLER: "How old do you have to be to be the president?"

ME: "35"

TYLER: "You're not even old enough yet."

ME: "Nope."

TYLER: "If you were president you could meet with other presidents and kings and stop wars."

ME: "Honey, I will never be elected president."

TYLER: "Why? You could stop wars."

ME: "I'm not someone people would vote for. I'm not nice enough. Maybe you could be president when you grow up."

TYLER: ignores his mother once again to return to breakfast

Kid Conversation

DYLAN: "Who won the election?"

ME: "We don't know for sure yet but it looks like Bush won."

DYLAN: face crumbles in look of pain

Apology

I tried to keep my mouth shut in the political arena. I ignored the ads. I watched the debates but otherwise tried to keep politics at bay. We see how well that all worked out. I suddenly exploded with political blather.

It might have something to do with the kids' interest in the proceedings. The fact that they are talking about it and asking questions. Seems they already had their minds made up as to who should win. We don't even talk politics in front of them and we live in a very conservative area. I'm amazed at the convictions and insights of my children.

But my apology...

I am sorry to have succumbed to the talk. I didn't want to do it.

On the other hand - this is my blog. My, 'room of my own'. Let's hope I've spewed forth all the political talk and can get back to mindless links. Maybe I'll even manage to get the film developed from Halloween and post some pictures soon.

Kid Conversation

TYLER: "Did you know only men use to be able to vote? They didn't even let women vote at one time."



ME: "Yes, women had to fight for the right to vote. Do you think woman should be able to vote?"



TYLER: rolls eyes and looks like I don't have a brain in my head - you know the look - "There has never been a woman president."



ME: "No, not yet. Maybe someday."



TYLER: "How old do you have to be to be the president?"



ME: "35"



TYLER: "You're not even old enough yet."



ME: "Nope."



TYLER: "If you were president you could meet with other presidents and kings and stop wars."



ME: "Honey, I will never be elected president."



TYLER: "Why? You could stop wars."



ME: "I'm not someone people would vote for. I'm not nice enough. Maybe you could be president when you grow up."



TYLER: ignores his mother once again to return to breakfast

Kid Conversation

DYLAN: "Who won the election?"



ME: "We don't know for sure yet but it looks like Bush won."



DYLAN: face crumbles in look of pain

Fear

I was afraid to put on the news this morning. Actually afraid, to find out who won the election. Usually I wake up excited and expectant. Hoping my guy won. Hoping the rest of the country saw things the same way I did. Instead I woke in fear. Burrowing under the covers and hoping today would dawn bright. Fearing it wouldn't.

Several times this morning I thought I would cry. Tears came to my eyes and I forced them back telling myself this was not something to cry about. They are not tears for a loss but tears that sprout from fear of what is to come. I tell myself I must learn to live with the results. There is no alternative.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

hmmm...

My fortune today:
For a good cause, wrongdoing may be virtous.
Interesting since it is election day.
BLUE, BLUE, BLUE
KERRY, KERRY, KERRY
Now go vote!

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

If you haven't yet
Go VOTE!
(unless you want to vote for the other guy,
then you can stay home in your jammies)

Monday, November 1, 2004

Fortune

My fortune on Friday should have read:
You are only part way on your journey to h-e-l-l.
more sh*t to follow...

Stop!

I want to get off - NOW.

MoMMY's Morning

6 am - hit clock

6:09 - hit clock

6:11 - try to convince child #1 to get ready on own

6:12 - promise to be downstairs by 6:25

6:25 - hear child coming upstairs

6:25 - jump out of bed, curse person who devised this early a.m. torture

6:25 - yell, "I'm on my way", thank god it's now light out

6:30 - empty dishwasher

6:50 - put child #1 on bus, no porch light necessary

6:51 - start coffee

7:00 - child #4 arrives downstairs

7:02 - child #4 begs for candy

7:04 - child #2 arrives downstairs

7:05 - try to explain to children why pumpkins are smashed

7:10 - still trying to empty dishwasher, feed children & get them clothed

7:16 - first sip of coffee, nectar of the gods

7:36 - child #3 arrives downstairs, thank god for Daylight savings - no dragging necessary

7:37 - child #3 begs for candy

7:37 - promise if he dresses, brushes teeth & eats breakfast he may have ONE piece

7:40 - explain to child #3 why pumpkins are smashed

7:43 - make children promise never to smash pumpkins when teens

7:50 - call heat & hot water guy about furnace, no heat

7:51 - furnace comes on for 1st time in 24 hours

7:52 - call guy back & tell him it is not an emergency

8:10 - guy comes to fix furnace, thank you god (or rather heat & hot water guy) - heat & hot water - YAY!

8:11 - kids ask if guy is moving in - he was here 2 weeks ago

8:19 - candy all round for children ready for school

8:20 - look for magnifying glass in bribery attempt at making child #2 PUT ON COAT

8:34 - children go outside and look for evidence in the Great Pumpkin Crime

8:50 - children #2 & 3 get on bus

8:51 - read e-mail

9:12 - throw on clothes

9:14 - take child #4 to preschool, WTF, pumkin guts gone

9:20 - arrive at school, abandoned upon entering building

9:36 - arrive home, more coffee...

9:37 - make dr's appt. for children #3 & 4, put on 'to do' list for later in day

9:42 - make hair appt for child #2 who is refusing to cut hair, a trim, just a trim

9:44 - start this blog entry

10:10 - finished, must go pay bills

ah... the bill for the new hot water heater