Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Weight-loss Story #2

So yes, my vow to not discuss weight loss has been broken as all new year-type vows should.

The subject this time?

My ass again.

See my ass? It is rather large at my rather large weight.

But before? Small ass.

No, I'm not bragging. Just wait, you'll see.

My weight gain starts in my face. My face people! The absolute worse place to gain.

Head shots? Nasty.

What is the one part of your body you look at every day in the mirror if for nothing more than to brush your teeth or apply a bit of lipstick? Your face.

So?

I'm continuously confronted with the fat. The fat face. The fat neck. Yes! I gain weight in my neck! I know, you're so jealous right now. You too wish you could gain weight in your neck and look like a wrestler.

Anyway, I have now lost the 5 pound bag of flour. And where did I lose that weight?

My face?

No.

My neck?

Hahahaha. I know you're not fooled. That would be a no.

My ass.

Even better is that instead of making it more narrow? The bag o'flour has slid off my backside.

So now?

Wide, FLAT ass.

Attractive, no?

NO.

The Injuries are Rolling In

It seems the injuries required of a family of 4 boys and 1 klutzy mom are catching up to us.

We now have another broken finger. This time it is the oldest.

How?

Skiing?

No.

Slipping on ice?

Hahahaha, no. It is warm and the daffodils are sprouting here - freak weather.

It was...

....

Football at recess.

And once again we made a child with a broken bone wait to see a physician.

Yes, it's true. After school I called our doctor and they couldn't schedule us until 6:45pm.

So what to do?

I took him to Hebrew school. I mean really. What else was I to do?

So while I'm surprised it's taken this long for the injuries to start rolling in?

Not so surprised at the fact that we've had 2 broken fingers in approximately 4 months.

I figure we're good for a couple more months now.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Is It Bad...

... that I've been listening to the Moulin Rouge Soundtrack and the kids love the song Lady Marmalade?

Yes, a song about a prostitute. Something seems so wrong about that.

And yet?

I feel confident they have no idea of the subject matter.

In fact, just yesterday Zach was dancing around singing "Solar system, solar system..." instead of "Soul sister, soul sister, better get that dough sister."

I also seem to recall dancing around to very inappropriate songs as a child. Did I have any idea what I was singing (if we may call what I did singing) about?

No. I did not.

Anyone remember Feel Like Makin' Love by Bad Company?

One of my favorites. I was somewhere around the age of 7-9. While I did sing the actual words? I had no idea what I was talking about. Naive, I know.

Let's say it together... IN.A.PPRO.PRI.ATE.

Friday, January 27, 2006

The Stupid Things We Do

I heard on the news this a.m. that a woman in Maryland was arrested for driving with her three young children in the trunk.

Now of course this caught my attention. And no, I wasn't appalled. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not something I would do. (besides the minivan doesn't exactly make this worthwhile) It is tempting though. I could see where someone would do it.

And...

AND she said the children ASKED to ride in the trunk.

If any of you without children are thinking, "No way?"

You would be so wrong.

Ask any mother and I bet she tells you the children have asked to ride in the trunk. Okay, maybe not if you have girls. I wouldn't know. But I know my boys would LOVE a chance to ride in the trunk. And yes, they have asked.

All of you outraged parents - picture the scene:

"Mooooom. I want to ride in the trunk."

"No sweetie, it's not safe."

"Pleeeease? Pleeease? Pleeeease?"

"Just for a little bit?"

whine, whine, etc, etc. times 3 children.

In the parental fantasy you pull over throw them in the trunk and drive the rest of the way to your destination.

In the parental nightmare you get in an accident or pulled over by the police. This is what is really keeping you from letting them ride in the trunk - which is otherwise a win-win situation.

This woman let the fantasy win. Then her nightmare came true.

And I saw the video of them getting out of the trunk. Two of the kids were not all that young. They were all perfectly fine. And luckily mom only got community service. Because really, would sending her to jail serve any real purpose? Would it help the kids at all? No. She made a bad judgment call. Let the kids get to her. She will never do such a thing again. I firmly believe this. Her kids will probably never ask to do anything so stupid again. And one, "remember when I was arrested for letting you do something stupid?" comment and I'm sure they'd stop dead in their tracks.

What do you think?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

The Day of Tears

Yesterday shall be known hereforth as The Day of Tears.

And amazingly? They did not include my tears.

We began our day innocently enough. All children get up and ready in time for their buses.

But wait! All four children miss their respective buses. ALL. FOUR. CHILDREN.

This is a first.

This is also the start (9am) of our Day of Tears (DoT from here on forward) as the youngest little despises getting a late pass.

Why?

We do not know.

Yes. I have asked. No answers come forth only more tears.

And then there is the picking up of the older two for their dental appointments (11am).

Tears! From the oldest.

Why?

He is now going to miss a pizza party. A. PIZZA. PARTY.

An offer of taking him out for pizza after the appointment is met with what? More tears.

Why did I not KNOW there was a pizza party at this exact time? He MUST have told me. (uh. no.) I am SO CRUEL and I should read his mind in the future.

The tears continue all the way to the dentist and into the office.

After school (3:30)...

Many tears.

Why?

There is touching and hitting and pushing and taking of toys and more and more until my ears bleed and I collapse under the weight of the injustice.

And then 3 mins. before pick up for gymnastics (4pm) there is injury of gymnastic bound child.

What did he do you ask?

He is jumping and landing in splits and after many times of this his leg rolls in and he pulls a groin muscle. The pain. The limping. The cancellation of yet ANOTHER gymnastic class for which we pay approximately 1/2 the national debt every month.

But wait! The DoT is not over yet.

I shoo the children into the car for swimming lessons (6:30pm). One and two at a time. GET IN THE CAR.

We arrive. It is windy. Very windy. And cold. Oh, and finally the snow we have been missing all winter. And what is this? Someone is cold. And crying.

Why?

The 7 y/o has not worn a coat. NO COAT. And it is my fault. I did not TELL him to wear a coat in the freezing cold. In the snow and wind. I never SAID put on your coat. So again. MY. FAULT. And he is COLD.

And the swimming goes fine and the children spend approximately 6 hours in the locker room showering and I do not care because... no one is crying!

And then we leave. And again... no crying. Then we arrive home and they are all HUNGRY. And I feed them because? Please. GOD. NO. MORE. CRYING.

And then teeth brushing and pottying and bed. Glorious bed.

And then the 2 littles are out of bed. And scared. Of animals jumping out of the walls because, "we are researching animals at school and now they keep jumping out of the walls of my room. And I am scared. And you must lay with me or I will cry."

But! LOST is on. And it is past your bedtime. And JUST. GO. TO. SLEEP. ALREADY.

And then they all slept.

**EDITED TO ADD: It should have read... And we shall PRETEND they all went right to sleep. Or, And then I duct taped them all to their beds and watched LOST.**

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Friday, January 20, 2006

Weight-loss Story #1

I have this thing when I try to lose weight where I visualize one pound as a box of butter. Yes, you know, 4 sticks of butter. Because when you realize you lost one pound it's... well, it's depressing because there are just so many more to go. The number one seems so very small. But when you picture an actual box of butter? Seems like an accomplishment. And we all know that without a feeling of accomplishment you will never lose another pound.

So you ask... where is this going?

Well, about two days into my weight loss odyssey I had lost one lonely pound. I didn't mention it to anyone because let's face it - it's ONE pound. But that night Jeff reached over and felt my ass. Yes, really. We do have 4 children you know.

Anyway, he actually said to me, "Your butt feels smaller." At which point I laughed until I cried into my pillow.

Then managed to choke out around the pillowcase, "I've lost one pound. I seriously doubt my ass is any smaller."

To which he replied, "But seriously, it does feel smaller."

So now we know, that one pound? Was basically a box of butter slapped onto my ass.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Random Thoughts...

  • I'm so glad my family has good, solid teeth. The 2 littles had dentist appointments this a.m. and all was well. Now except for the fact that their teeth tend toward the HUGE side and their mouths toward the little side - they have beautiful smiles. So no huge dental bills but the orthodontics just might kill us.

  • I'm very excited as Zach read most of Biscuit and the Baby while we waited at the dentist. I love watching the kids as they begin reading on their own. It amazes me how they go from letters to sounds to whole words. I love watching as they search the illustrations for clues and am amazed at what they can guess from having being read to so often. I'm also glad I don't have to do anything that difficult as an adult. I'm not sure I would figure it out like I did as a child.

  • I'm ticked off that I can not finish our taxes because we are still missing some of the statements required for this endeavor. It is JANUARY 19th people. Send them out already!

  • I was not impressed with LOST last night. Jack is seriously getting on my nerves. Why doesn't he leave Michael alone already? Why must he boss everyone around? And who was Sarah's mystery person she was seeing? Oh, and what is the deal with Sawyer not actually being his name? And how did he know Zeke's name? What the hell is going on there?

  • Another white patchy throat is present in my house. Yuck! And why did the doctor's office bother to do a rapid strep if they have been geeting so many false negatives? And why would they tell me to send the child to school today? Are they looking for more business?

  • Now for a totally petty and non-pretty look at my psyche... I met 2 people over the weekend at the gymnastics meet with kick-ass cameras. Neither really knew what they were doing (they both admitted it). The one with the nicest camera (Nikon D70) bought it from a good friend for $400. FOUR. HUNDRED. DOLLARS. (His friend is a professional photographer.) The other person sent me a link to her photos done with a Canon Rebel and a kick ass lens. They were very good technically. Oh, what I could do with one of those cameras. My camera sucks monkey ass in poor lighting situations such as gymnastic studios. (What is with the lighting in these places?) Now here is where my ugly petty side comes in... I was actually jealous and a bit angry that so many people with no photography aspirations/experience have such better equiptment than I. I know I need a better camera to really make it in this business and I can't afford it... so petty, petty, ugly, ugly from MoMMY. And no, I'm not proud of it. I usually don't feel this way and I don't like it one bit. But still? I'm ticked. Wah, wah, life is so unfair, blah, blah, blah. Just shoot me now.

  • The sun! The sun has arrived. I must go bask in it. (Even if it is oh, so very cold. For me. Not for the general population. Ok, it's about 35 degrees out. Still seems cold to me. Remind me of this when it is 10 below next month.)

  • I have realized I will never finish the 7's meme. I'm just not good at these types of things. I either can't narrow it down or can't think of 7 things. So? No 7's meme from me. And really... who cares?

  • The above statement also applies to this list of random thoughts. Who really cares?

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Open Letter to the Febreze People

Dear Scenty Febreze People,

I am writing to ask you to design a new product. But first some background...

I am not a scent person. Candles, plug-ins, sprays - ick. They either make me nauseous or give me a headache. So imagine my delight when you introduced your original Febreze spray for fabrics. It takes away bad scents. Leaves no perfumey smells. Yay! Febreze.

My conundrum is my boys. The oldest has just dipped his toe into the aromas of adolescence. The second is not far behind and after that it is just one after another that shall stink up my home. I'm not sure when the smell fest ends but I seem to recall some of the boys' dorm rooms freshman year of college as not being so aromatic. That gives me a minimum of 13 years to deal with this ever growing problem. THIRTEEN. YEARS.

What I need you to do is invent a spray that attaches to the ceiling and sprays your original febreze over the entire room periodically. You'd have to be able to set the times to spray as we don't want the offspring inhaling the stuff while sleeping and I'm not sure what it would do to their skin after repeated sprays. But, it will need a remote so if the offending smells start wafting from under the door into my office I could have it give a good spray. Yes, my office is outside my oldests' room. I. NEED. HELP.

The best part of the whole deal is I won't have to actually enter their rooms to deal with the smell and it would hit the sheets, clothes, offending gym/sports clothes, dirty hamper, etc. all in one shot.

PLEASE, begin work on this product immediately. I need your help. I figure you have approximately 1-2 years to get this product on the market before I am forced to leave my home. I consider this appropriate notice of my needs.

Thank you very much.

Sincerely,
MoMMY

Monday, January 16, 2006

If You Can Read This...

...at least some of the issues have been resolved.

I'm in the process of switching domain registration companies and hosting services. I'm also an idiot when it comes to all of this.

Please bear with me.

In an ironic twist of fate...

The only thing my blog will post is something from August. It's a post where I say someone is trying to kill me because of my computer troubles.

Need I say more?

EDITED TO ADD: e-mail is back up and while I can see my site in IE and Opera, the hubby can't see it in IE or Mozilla. For the love of my sanity - someone comment if they can see this. Please.

In other news... there are 6 boys trashing my downstairs while I try to fix this. Soon to be 7 or 8. Someone send chocolate.

Friday, January 13, 2006

An Update

So I may have mentioned the other day that I was joining Weight Watchers. And I did. Last night.

However, do not be fooled. This is no resolution. I have no resolve to lose weight. I'm a buddy for someone. I am there to support all the others in their weight loss dreams. And, you know, if I happen to lose a couple pounds - or a whole 6 year old child - added bonus.

I will not go into detail because either you know about their plan or you have no desire to. All you need to know is the meeting was odd. And strangely motivational.

So today it begins.

Oh, and the boys did ski. On fake snow.

And... I have given up on the Kakuro. It is too damn hard. Takes too long and requires me to remember too many things. Back to Sudoku for me.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

In Other News...

The children have ski club today.

And... you ask? The point of this statement? It is January. You do live in the northeast. Why is this worth a mention?

Well, I will tell you. It is in the mid to high 50's today. And yesterday? Almost 60 degrees. SIXTY DEGREES. In January. In the northeast. Near Canada people.

Now while I'm loving the warmth and the fact I was able to toss their asses outside* to play yesterday without coats on... It's JANUARY. How do you ski in 60 degree weather? It POURED last night. The report is the conditions on the mountain are terrible.

Apparently the school has decided to go anyway. Why? Because they didn't have it last week when it was 40 degrees and no snow. But now that it's warmer? They're totally going. Why? Why you ask? Because we wouldn't want to miss too many trips and have to make them up in February or March. Although then? There will probably be 10 feet of snow. In fact, May? There will be snow. It's happened before.

All you people trying to tell me we are having a warm winter? HA! I've lived here long enough to know that IT. WILL. SNOW. Just when you think winter has ended it snows. Really. It snowed on Mother's Day once. M-O-T-H-E-R'S. DAY.

Excuse me while I go pack up their snowpants, gloves & hats for the warmest ski trip ever.

*No actual tossing was necessary. They refused to come in until it was dark. And then proceeded to secretly eat snacks while I made dinner and then refused my delicious dinner until after swimming. At 8:30 at night. BTW? Add another keeper to the list.

Best. Line. EVER.

"What are you going to do, beat me with your Jesus stick?"

Brought to you by last night's episode of Lost.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

A New Addiction

Most of you know I'm totally addicted to Sudoku. I finished my book and have been dying to get my hands on a new one.

In the meantime, I found Kakuro.

I haven't quite gotten the hang of it though and am finding it quite difficult. (Yes, I may in fact be a moron.)

Any suggestions?

Should I just go back to my old friend Sudoku or torture myself and keep trying with the Kakuro?

In any event, I know my family would choose 'neither' since I find it hard to redirect my attention when working on the puzzles. But you know, totally my way to escape the madness that is the whining of late.

BTW, is anyone else able to totally not register the children when involved in other activities like say, reading, blogging, Sudoku? In some ways I love it. But in others? The guilt people. The. GUILT.

Some Stats...

  • Rachael Ray's recipes: 4 keepers - 1 ew! never again (although the husband liked it)
  • Holiday decorations: All down & put away (except the bare, naked, fake tree - hint, hint honey)
  • Kids: 4 healthy (for the moment)
  • Kids: 4 trying to kill me with the whining and ignoring of me
  • Husband: wonderful!
  • House: dust is winning once again
  • Dog: still eating everything in sight (when does this stop???)
  • Dishes: pointless stat as it will change in next few hours
  • Laundry: see above
  • Career: hahahaha - ahem, sorry about that. I have chosen 2 photos to enter for judging. Tulip Centers I & Back Door to God. Now I just need to pick a 3rd. Oh, and I must finalize the poster and drop off a copy in the city. As for stock photography work... would love to but would have to upgrade my equipment first. About a $2,000 upgrade at the very least. Anyone got 2 grand I could borrow?
WOW! This post is just riveting. My head was full of things to write yesterday. And today? Not so much. Maybe I'll have something to offer later.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

We Women Can Be Fickle

So I've decided to stop the stickiness and put the De-Lurking post in its rightful place.

Still, you must comment.

AND! I have turned off some annoying comment features. No registering or verifying needed. Just PLEASE! for all that is good and sane - sign your name!!! Anonymous comments hurt me. THEY. HURT. ME. My sanity can not take it. And you should know by now my sanity is quite questionable.

Also, the people to thank for the sticky change (and I admit they were right) are the bitches over at I Talk To Much.

Yes, I asked to be smacked and smacked I was.



So? Big thank you to Princess Pottymouth for my 3 smacks. And a thanks to Bitter Bitch for the whole 'sticky situation'.

Monday, January 9, 2006

It's De-Lurking Week!

**WARNING: I made this post STICKY. This week you will find new posts below.**


Yes, instead of De-Lurking Day like last year, Sheryl over at Paper Napkin has made it into a week long love-fest. It's De-Lurking Week!

So de-lurk and leave a comment here and at all your favorite sites.

Tell me who you are or why you visit or what book you are reading or something cute your kids have done. Pick a topic and leave a comment. Or just say hello.
Oh, and if you have a minute? I really need your help here.

BTW, your ass looks totally hot in those pants!

Into the Frying Pan... or Not

So my resolution to swear more is not going well in real life. But! It is going well in my blog life. I've decided to settle for that since the children still are too young to go around sounding like sailors.

In other resolution news...

I've added one other resolution. Yes, I know I said I wouldn't do the resolution thing but it is FUN and ENTERTAINING for me. So, leave me alone about the whole 'no resolutions' thing.

Drum roll please...

My new resolution is frying our food.

Yes, it is. At a time where most people are resolving to eat healthier, I've decided to try frying our food.

Now to be honest I've never fried anything before.

Until last night.

And I know you are wondering why I should try such a thing - well, Rachael Ray told me to.

Really.

I got her new cookbook for Hanukkah and I've been trying recipes with wild abandon.

And the truth? Although not the best for losing weight, the kids are eating them. To be fair, I'm picking and choosing dishes I think have a decent chance of being eaten.

And so far? We are 4 for 4. At least 2 of the children like each one. The other 2 at least pick at it. And that my friends makes a winner.

And as for frying? I hate it. It is messy and gross and not better enough for me to forgo baking the chicken. I really don't know how the people in the south have done this for so long. All the oil! And grease! And splatters! And have I mentioned the oil?

And the cleanup? Made me not want to eat anything fried ever again. The oiliness. Eww! (Although... as a weight loss component, hmmm... maybe it works after all.)

So maybe not so much a new resolution. More of a vow to cut that shit out and just say 'NO' to frying.

Friday, January 6, 2006

Little a.m. Rant

My God Pat Robinson is amazing. And I don't mean in a good way.

I know I should just ignore him. I'm sure he only opens his mouth to cause people like me aneurysms, but really. What is with him?

He's now saying Sharon's strokes are from God because he's dividing Israel? Sharon is not a young man. People have strokes.

If God was handing out strokes, you'd think Pat would be on the top of his list for spouting this stuff.

Good Lord! Last time it was Dover, Pennsylvania and now Ariel Sharon. Pat, keep it in your pants.

Thursday, January 5, 2006

Public Service Announcement

I miss the sun.
That is all.

The Forbidden Topic

So what do I do?

After that last post and admitting I've written off my writing (laugh, damn it! - bad puns 'R us.) I sent some work to an agent. An AGENT! It must be the crack.

Also?

After admitting no resolutions? I'm joining weight watchers next week. In my defense, someone close to me is joining and asked for a buddy for support. They're also paying for it since it's not in my budget. And I totally need to do it.

I try not to talk about my weight here because let's be honest, nothing is more annoying than someone complaining about how fat they are when they know what they need to do to change it. I've done it in the past and I know what works. I'm fat because I'm too lazy to stop myself from eating. There. I've said it.

I saw Richard Simmons on the Today show the other morning saying the first step is admitting, really admitting, the truth about how much we need to lose. So, the truth? I need to lose 55 pounds. The reality? I'd settle for 30 so I fit into my skinny clothes.

Yes, my skinny clothes are 25 pounds away from how much I should weigh. Yes, I know most people don't even NEED to lose 25 pounds. It's pathetic... I know.

So now I shall change the subject and only speak of it again if things go horribly wrong or I lose a few pounds and I'm so happy I can't stay quiet about it. (Me stay quiet? It could happen. STOP LAUGHING!)

Oh, and PLEASE read this post and comment. I really need the feedback. And job offers would help too.

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

A favor to ask...

I've been tweaking my regular website and looking into festivals for the summer. It seems that if I want to make a real go of this whole selling my photographs business I must step up and enter some juried shows.

What does this mean you ask? It means bigger bucks to set-up a booth. It means a fee to see if they even want to let me in. It also means a good chance at much better sales.

So... I've decided to bite the bullet and enter. One. It's a big one. A competitive one. In the city. In the neighborhood I used to live in. It also attracts artists from around the country. And the publicity is good.

It also means submitting three slides in advance so they can judge me. For real. It sounds so ominous, doesn't it. They will be JUDGING ME.

What is that you say? Judging my work, not me. HA! They are judging me. If they reject my work they are rejecting ME.

Someone tell me why I setting myself up like this?

Oh yeah. The possible income. Which we really need.

And it seems if you don't put yourself out there - really out there - you won't succeed.

Do I consider this fun? No.

In fact, my stomach is balled up (and I may just puke on my keyboard) just thinking about it as I type this.

Maybe I should abandon the plan right now and delete this.

Wait. We all know I would never do that because I enjoy subjecting myself to rejection. Ok, maybe enjoy is a bit strong... I'm always waiting for someone to tell me I suck so I can move on and try something else.

Case in point, my writing. I've finally given it up but if someone would have told me I suck earlier I wouldn't have wasted 6 years working at it.

So now for my favor...

Would you go on over to my site and check out the index of photos (there are 2 pages)? Click on any images that you particularly like to see them enlarged and uncropped. Then come back here and vote on your top 3.

Or? Just tell me I suck and to stop cluttering the internet with my photos.

Thanks.

EDITED TO ADD: It has been brought to my attention that this seems like a plea for you to tell me how great I am. Not so.

Tell me what you really think.

Can you find 3 photos you like?

Does a fairly high profile show seem like too big a leap at this time?

Should I look for an office job? And do you know of any I could apply for?

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

They're Gone!

And strangely? I miss them.

But! Today is my own. Okay, not my own. Tyler has a ortho appt. in an hour. And there is some shopping to do. But really, a few hours to myself. So, YAY!

The holidays were wonderful if not drawn out in neverendingness (is so a word).

I have so much to tell you. And yet? Not so much.

I have learned to appreciate my kids. As annoying and loud and unwilling to do as I say - I enjoyed hanging with them. In fact, I wanted to hang with them more than I did. Everytime I had to leave them I wished I was playing yet another round of Cadoo. The monopoly was even bearable.

Strange, I know.

And the homework I was planning on losing? Done. (with a bit of help from my SIL, who just happens to be a 2nd grade teacher)

I have even put away all the decorations, minus the tree. Listen, when the tree doesn't get decorated until Christmas eve? It must stay up until Valentine's Day. No, I'm kidding. It will come down sometime this week. I'm just enjoying it a bit more.

I will have to do a separate "how'd I do on last year's resolutions" post. I suppose it's a must-do type of thing. Although? Does anyone really care that I started out strong with them last year and then failed miserably through the rest of the year? No? I thought not. Maybe I'll just skip it.

I know the results are shocking. "Really? You started out strong and then left them in the dust? Really? You're not kidding? I'm stunned!" So predictable.

So, I'll skip that. I will write another post on my escapades on the Thursday before New Years.

New Years itself was rather dull. Kids slept over Nana's. Went to bars with both SIL's, one's husband, one's boyfriend, some of their friends. Drank small amount. Kissed husband. Went home to bed. Yawn.

Oh, and the kids stayed up until midnight. A fact I'm sure Nana was none to thrilled about. And me? Let's just say the kids haven't been asleep before 10 in days and this morning was a real thrill. Exhibit A? Threatening to carry 2 of the children to the bus in their pj's while wearing my robe and pink fuzzy slippers. I just have to ask... what do I do in the few short months when they are too large to carry?

As for this year's resolutions? I think I may go back to my original stance on resolutions... Fuck 'em.

I will do my best each day and start fresh each morning.

And for guidance? I could just copy last year's list.